Parents - what can you do?
Discussion
After reading one of UKBob’s post about parents and getting old ….got me thinking about my wife’s parents and whether anyone can offer advice.
My wife has a younger sister who lived at home until after Uni and then her parents funded a flat for her and a car, whilst she went from one job to another without settling into a career until very recently. They also loaned money to her boyfriend who has come and gone a few times.
My wife’s sister is always around her parents’ house and with her boyfriend too, they all spend a lot of time together. Whenever we go round they have no interest in anything we have been doing even if we try and make conversation it always switches back to them in seconds.
My wife is a lovely girl, she’s fun and really easy to get on with but her parents have no time for her. We have in the past tried to spend more time with them but just feel like outsiders as they make jokes between the 4 of themselves.
My wife and I both lost our jobs when the company we both worked for closed its doors. We had also just exchanged contracts on our first home together and were very worried that in the following 3 weeks we’d be broke and homeless and sued for the remainder of the house we were buying but the parents offered no support with just comments like “Oh you’ll be alright” and the conversation went quickly to how annoyed they were with their new faulty TV.
We got married abroad almost 2 years ago and they were very selfish, wouldn’t stay where we booked them, wouldn’t wear anything smart – just t-shirt and shorts which I think is disrespectful (I wouldn’t dream of attending any wedding in casuals). We got so fed up we said forget it and went on our own. They didn’t pay for anything or even offer nor did they even get us a wedding gift, even a token gesture would have been thoughtful.
We have always made an effort with them but they don’t with us, they will never pick up the phone to us we always call them. We decided to leave it to see how long they would stay out of contact for and it was 9 months (missing my wife’s 30th birthday too). They sent my wife a birthday card but no “love Mum & Dad” at the end. We left it another 6 weeks or so and then we called them to make sure they were OK and invited them over for a meal. The evening went OK but after they had eaten and chatted for a bit (mainly about themselves) they decided they wanted to go home at just 9pm.
This obviously upsets my wife a great deal and I try and make excuses for how they behave but I guess there really is no excuse for their behaviour.
I sometimes think it might be less upsetting for her to sever connection with them altogether but we plan to have kids and it'd be a real shame if they never saw their grandchildren.
Any advice is welcome & appreciated.
My wife has a younger sister who lived at home until after Uni and then her parents funded a flat for her and a car, whilst she went from one job to another without settling into a career until very recently. They also loaned money to her boyfriend who has come and gone a few times.
My wife’s sister is always around her parents’ house and with her boyfriend too, they all spend a lot of time together. Whenever we go round they have no interest in anything we have been doing even if we try and make conversation it always switches back to them in seconds.
My wife is a lovely girl, she’s fun and really easy to get on with but her parents have no time for her. We have in the past tried to spend more time with them but just feel like outsiders as they make jokes between the 4 of themselves.
My wife and I both lost our jobs when the company we both worked for closed its doors. We had also just exchanged contracts on our first home together and were very worried that in the following 3 weeks we’d be broke and homeless and sued for the remainder of the house we were buying but the parents offered no support with just comments like “Oh you’ll be alright” and the conversation went quickly to how annoyed they were with their new faulty TV.
We got married abroad almost 2 years ago and they were very selfish, wouldn’t stay where we booked them, wouldn’t wear anything smart – just t-shirt and shorts which I think is disrespectful (I wouldn’t dream of attending any wedding in casuals). We got so fed up we said forget it and went on our own. They didn’t pay for anything or even offer nor did they even get us a wedding gift, even a token gesture would have been thoughtful.
We have always made an effort with them but they don’t with us, they will never pick up the phone to us we always call them. We decided to leave it to see how long they would stay out of contact for and it was 9 months (missing my wife’s 30th birthday too). They sent my wife a birthday card but no “love Mum & Dad” at the end. We left it another 6 weeks or so and then we called them to make sure they were OK and invited them over for a meal. The evening went OK but after they had eaten and chatted for a bit (mainly about themselves) they decided they wanted to go home at just 9pm.
This obviously upsets my wife a great deal and I try and make excuses for how they behave but I guess there really is no excuse for their behaviour.
I sometimes think it might be less upsetting for her to sever connection with them altogether but we plan to have kids and it'd be a real shame if they never saw their grandchildren.
Any advice is welcome & appreciated.
It sounds weird that they have apparently spurned your missus.
You have a couple of decent cars etc so they perhaps have this opinion that you are made of money or something? Do you have some sort of professional jobs and the loser sister doesn't? often parents seem to look after the weakest of the litter...?
I feel sorry for your wife - maybe you just need to do stuff with your parents and make her feel welcome there..
You have a couple of decent cars etc so they perhaps have this opinion that you are made of money or something? Do you have some sort of professional jobs and the loser sister doesn't? often parents seem to look after the weakest of the litter...?
I feel sorry for your wife - maybe you just need to do stuff with your parents and make her feel welcome there..
They sound like selfish bastards quite frankly, and it is reading stories like that that make me realise how lucky I am to have such a supportive set of parents and in-laws.
I would be tempted, with your wife's blessing, to put all this down clearly and concisely in a letter, and give it to them. Give them time to read it, and when, inevitably, they don't contact you, call round to discuss it (preferably at a time when the younger sister & bf aren't there).
At least if it is an unconscious thing they will get a wakeup call, although from what you say it sounds as if they clearly know what they are doing. At least you might find out why.
I believe strongly that it's important not to cut people out of your lives, but with people like that what can you do?
I would be tempted, with your wife's blessing, to put all this down clearly and concisely in a letter, and give it to them. Give them time to read it, and when, inevitably, they don't contact you, call round to discuss it (preferably at a time when the younger sister & bf aren't there).
At least if it is an unconscious thing they will get a wakeup call, although from what you say it sounds as if they clearly know what they are doing. At least you might find out why.
I believe strongly that it's important not to cut people out of your lives, but with people like that what can you do?
What is it with some parents? 
It's impossible to treat your children the same because of different personalities, etc, but parents are responsible for treating children fairly and with equal concern and attention.
As the saying goes "You can choose your friends but not your family".
It's a very awkward situation, your poor wife must feel unloved which is an awful feeling.
Has it always been this way, or have they shown less interest since she met you?
It's impossible to treat your children the same because of different personalities, etc, but parents are responsible for treating children fairly and with equal concern and attention.
As the saying goes "You can choose your friends but not your family".
It's a very awkward situation, your poor wife must feel unloved which is an awful feeling.
Has it always been this way, or have they shown less interest since she met you?baskey said:
It sounds weird that they have apparently spurned your missus.
You have a couple of decent cars etc so they perhaps have this opinion that you are made of money or something? Do you have some sort of professional jobs and the loser sister doesn't? often parents seem to look after the weakest of the litter...?
I feel sorry for your wife - maybe you just need to do stuff with your parents and make her feel welcome there..
They put both my wife and her sister through Uni but have virtually taken no interest in the years since then.
I'm sure we don't bore them, I'm good humoured and usually make conversation easily. We have often hepled them out with things even when we are busy. I get on reasonably well with my wifes' sister but she does tend to imply unfairly that my wife is boring because she's 30 (6 years between them) and I'm another 6 years older than my wife so I must be prehistoric!
baskey - you mentioned a kind of jealousy about us doing OK and I can't help but agree. They always talk up their younger daughter and praise her, they are even openly very affectionate to her (especially her Dad) in front of my wife but there is nothing there for my wife and that is kind of hurtful too.
We've tried doing stuff with them but it's always us doing the suggesting and making all the effort, or so it seems.
My wifes' Dad works a lot and is away most of the week and when they came over for a mal last we suggested that we could take my wifes' Mum out or have her over but she didn't seem bothered.
My wife wanted to lock them in when they did come over and have it out with them but I quietly said it was probably not a good idea after 9 months of no contact, take it a bit at a time. I also feel sorry for my wife, she's so lovely and she does try and work at it with them as do I but it is all brushed aside.
I really don't know what we can do to help the relationship between all of us.
Similar thing in our families
If you squint at it and just think we are doing alright and dont need much help and the mess-up sibbling would be on the streets if it was not for the parents helping them.
Its hard to see that attention being lavished on those that constantly make trouble but in most things its the squeaky wheel that gets the oil.
I try and think that if we where ever really in trouble then her parents would care and that they always focus on the sibbling as thats what they worry about and keeps them awake at night.
I have to say I have been lucky with my folks though always been 50:50 down the line no matter what.
If you squint at it and just think we are doing alright and dont need much help and the mess-up sibbling would be on the streets if it was not for the parents helping them.
Its hard to see that attention being lavished on those that constantly make trouble but in most things its the squeaky wheel that gets the oil.
I try and think that if we where ever really in trouble then her parents would care and that they always focus on the sibbling as thats what they worry about and keeps them awake at night.
I have to say I have been lucky with my folks though always been 50:50 down the line no matter what.
I'd be sorely tempted to ask them directly about it - but then I'm an engineer and not a counsellor. If something's not being said my gut reaction is always to attack it head on, though that's not always a good idea.
Frankly though, it's fantastically rude and as they're the ones who seem to have issues, they either need to get over it, tell you what the problem is, or just urinate off.
Frankly though, it's fantastically rude and as they're the ones who seem to have issues, they either need to get over it, tell you what the problem is, or just urinate off.
cosmoschick said:
What is it with some parents?
It's impossible to treat your children the same because of different personalities, etc, but parents are responsible for treating children fairly and with equal concern and attention.
As the saying goes "You can choose your friends but not your family".
It's a very awkward situation, your poor wife must feel unloved which is an awful feeling.
Possibly a bit less since she met me but I hope it isn't because they don't like or approve of me, I did ask my wife about this and she said they appear to like me ....and my daft SOH
I defend them by making excuses for them but they are not the ones who see their daughter crying because of how distant and indifferent they are with her. She has said that they can't love her or care about her and frankly I agree and I can't keep defending them, I only do so to ease the hurt they cause.
Kentish, Im going through the same thing with my dad. He does care, phone, talk, but he is about 5 steps removed from being what i would call a caring normal parent. Im pretty laid back, but it drives me nuts, to the point of also wanting to cut him out.
Sends money, not gifts. I cant think of anything hes given me.
For my 18th I got reindeer slippers (Really thoughtful then!)
His wife writes and signs the cards. I dont get letters from him.
He asks how I am, but doesnt know the names of ANY of my friends.
He knows what I do, but has never asked to see any of my work.
The work my company has done that he did see, he didnt comment upon.
How much im earning is more important to him than how happy I am, or what new friends Ive made, or experinces ive had.
When visiting from canada (I missed the furball 5000 to see him) he laughs on the way out because on the way in, he didnt notice my cerbera (which is special to me) - has nothing nice to say about it.
Tells me im an inexperienced driver, and will only learn when I have crashed (rather than telling me Ive done well to learn to drive starting with sports cars in the last year) The complete opposite from other friends/family.
(so sorry mate, didnt mean to hijack
)
He "doesnt get it" ... doesnt understand me/us, always misses the point. Thinks from the head not the heart. It drives me nuts. And theres more, it gets worse, wont go into it here though...
My point is - I really dont think cutting someone out is a smart move. Its hard to detatch yourself from someone, but still interact with them. I came so close to closing the book, even now its hard to feel cool. Dont shut them out. You dont have to like them, and clearly they are not great inlaws, but support your luverly lady, understand they are not what they could be, and do your best to put up with them without shutting them out, and get on with your own lives and friends. I'll come up and see ya, tell you my broken TV stories etc
Sends money, not gifts. I cant think of anything hes given me.
For my 18th I got reindeer slippers (Really thoughtful then!)
His wife writes and signs the cards. I dont get letters from him.
He asks how I am, but doesnt know the names of ANY of my friends.
He knows what I do, but has never asked to see any of my work.
The work my company has done that he did see, he didnt comment upon.
How much im earning is more important to him than how happy I am, or what new friends Ive made, or experinces ive had.
When visiting from canada (I missed the furball 5000 to see him) he laughs on the way out because on the way in, he didnt notice my cerbera (which is special to me) - has nothing nice to say about it.
Tells me im an inexperienced driver, and will only learn when I have crashed (rather than telling me Ive done well to learn to drive starting with sports cars in the last year) The complete opposite from other friends/family.
(so sorry mate, didnt mean to hijack
) He "doesnt get it" ... doesnt understand me/us, always misses the point. Thinks from the head not the heart. It drives me nuts. And theres more, it gets worse, wont go into it here though...
My point is - I really dont think cutting someone out is a smart move. Its hard to detatch yourself from someone, but still interact with them. I came so close to closing the book, even now its hard to feel cool. Dont shut them out. You dont have to like them, and clearly they are not great inlaws, but support your luverly lady, understand they are not what they could be, and do your best to put up with them without shutting them out, and get on with your own lives and friends. I'll come up and see ya, tell you my broken TV stories etc
Blimey! So sorry to hear of the situation.
And I'm sorry, mate, but here's how it is...
People drift apart. One does it with old school friends. One does it with ex-colleagues. One even does it with family.
Its rare it happens with "close" family - but it doesd happen - and its usually for a reason.
If you and she are tired of making the running then stop. It may lead to no contact at all. Clearly their tolerance for no contact is longer than nine months. Next time try eighteen. I guarantee you that if you have "The Row" you won't be in contact with them for a lot longer than that...
Edited to say: DO NOT HAVE A ROW. Just stop making the running. If they don't bother to get in touch that's their problem - not yours...
>> Edited by Don on Thursday 15th September 17:12
And I'm sorry, mate, but here's how it is...
People drift apart. One does it with old school friends. One does it with ex-colleagues. One even does it with family.
Its rare it happens with "close" family - but it doesd happen - and its usually for a reason.
If you and she are tired of making the running then stop. It may lead to no contact at all. Clearly their tolerance for no contact is longer than nine months. Next time try eighteen. I guarantee you that if you have "The Row" you won't be in contact with them for a lot longer than that...
Edited to say: DO NOT HAVE A ROW. Just stop making the running. If they don't bother to get in touch that's their problem - not yours...
>> Edited by Don on Thursday 15th September 17:12
Hi Rob,
Sorry to hear that you also have parental problems, it must make you think that you have done something wrong for them to treat you like that.
Although, men often have problems communicating their affection to their offspring. It is good that he has come over from Canada to see you in the past and I hear what you are saying about the negative comments where perhaps praise and encouragement should be given. Since I have known you I have always admired your drive and good humour and you have a wise head on young shoulders, he should be proud of you.
One observation I did make when we met and please don't take this the wrong way, is that you are more shy and less extrovert when in company, much less than I anticipated but you are very communicative when writing so to take the advice of another fellow PH'er
and it was excellent advice, perhaps you should put your feelings down on paper to him, maybe that would help. Of course I'm sure you are different with him than you are with friends you haven't met very often - so just ignore me if I'm spouting tripe!
My own parents were so different (only have my Mum now) they were always trying to be supportive to myself and my sister and in an equal fashion.
Anyway, yes it would be nice to have you both over, I was gobsmacked when you all turned up that weekend, a line of TVR's outside
Sorry to hear that you also have parental problems, it must make you think that you have done something wrong for them to treat you like that.
Although, men often have problems communicating their affection to their offspring. It is good that he has come over from Canada to see you in the past and I hear what you are saying about the negative comments where perhaps praise and encouragement should be given. Since I have known you I have always admired your drive and good humour and you have a wise head on young shoulders, he should be proud of you.
One observation I did make when we met and please don't take this the wrong way, is that you are more shy and less extrovert when in company, much less than I anticipated but you are very communicative when writing so to take the advice of another fellow PH'er
and it was excellent advice, perhaps you should put your feelings down on paper to him, maybe that would help. Of course I'm sure you are different with him than you are with friends you haven't met very often - so just ignore me if I'm spouting tripe!
My own parents were so different (only have my Mum now) they were always trying to be supportive to myself and my sister and in an equal fashion.
Anyway, yes it would be nice to have you both over, I was gobsmacked when you all turned up that weekend, a line of TVR's outside
Mate, I'm in a very similar position - with my mum.
She is incredibly distant and we only talk if I call her (I am rubbish so we can go for weeks without a call/text). I have a sister who is 24 and still at home and I strongly agree with the 'squeeky wheel' comment made above - I believe I appear to be doing 'ok' and getting on fine so don't need the support that my sister may seem to (although she certainly doesn't).
My girlfriend has been made to feel very unwelcome despite my mother telling my father (seperated) that she is very fond of my GF.
I put it all down to a lack of communication and a bored mother and daughter bitching and moaning about their (in their eyes) successful son! I'm sure they don't mean it, but I don't go round much anymore.
She is incredibly distant and we only talk if I call her (I am rubbish so we can go for weeks without a call/text). I have a sister who is 24 and still at home and I strongly agree with the 'squeeky wheel' comment made above - I believe I appear to be doing 'ok' and getting on fine so don't need the support that my sister may seem to (although she certainly doesn't).
My girlfriend has been made to feel very unwelcome despite my mother telling my father (seperated) that she is very fond of my GF.
I put it all down to a lack of communication and a bored mother and daughter bitching and moaning about their (in their eyes) successful son! I'm sure they don't mean it, but I don't go round much anymore.
Don said:
Edited to say: DO NOT HAVE A ROW. Just stop making the running. If they don't bother to get in touch that's their problem - not yours...
It wouldn't be PH without different opinions - I would say diametrically opposite to this.
They are either shutting you out deliberately, or are not aware of the problem they are causing. Bringing it into the open will resolve which it is - and if it's deliberate, then there's no loss, since htere was nothing to lose anyway. If it was not deliberate, it will at least bring it into focus - and may resolve one way or the other, but at least it won't carry on and on in limbo as is currently.
IMHO. Sorry, engineer too
Kentish said:
I defend them by making excuses for them but they are not the ones who see their daughter crying because of how distant and indifferent they are with her. She has said that they can't love her or care about her and frankly I agree and I can't keep defending them, I only do so to ease the hurt they cause.
I would go and see them, just you, and tell them exactly that. Tell them you are seeing tem because you love your wife, and can't bear to see here upset any more. Tell them you are saddened by how things are, and wanted to see if bridges could be built.
I had a similar sitation begin to develop with my wife's parents a year or two ago. I went and saw tem and they were mortified when they considered how they had behaved. Things have been fine since.
You need to prepare some notes, rehearse your arguements, and bite the bullet. Be calm, be reasonable, and if it isn't going well, leave. Then send a very well worded letter detailing all the things you wanted to say, and wait.
It might work, it might not. But the problem is with them, not you, and you should not go on as you have been.
Hope that helps,
Best of luck.
Kentish said:
Hi Rob,
Sorry to hear that you also have parental problems, it must make you think that you have done something wrong for them to treat you like that.
Although, men often have problems communicating their affection to their offspring. It is good that he has come over from Canada to see you in the past and I hear what you are saying about the negative comments where perhaps praise and encouragement should be given. Since I have known you I have always admired your drive and good humour and you have a wise head on young shoulders, he should be proud of you.
One observation I did make when we met and please don't take this the wrong way, is that you are more shy and less extrovert when in company, much less than I anticipated but you are very communicative when writing so to take the advice of another fellow PH'er
and it was excellent advice, perhaps you should put your feelings down on paper to him, maybe that would help. Of course I'm sure you are different with him than you are with friends you haven't met very often - so just ignore me if I'm spouting tripe!
My own parents were so different (only have my Mum now) they were always trying to be supportive to myself and my sister and in an equal fashion.
Anyway, yes it would be nice to have you both over, I was gobsmacked when you all turned up that weekend, a line of TVR's outside
tripe spouterrrr!!! Its as simple as we dont see eye to eye. Which has nothing to do with my being taller than my mother and shorter than my father. I learned you just have to accept people for who they are, fully accept them. Whether you decide to see them often or not is your business (dont bother) but dont rule them out. YHM
anonymous said:
[redacted]
I was thinking exactly the same thing, Alex, on my way home from work but you beat me to it. If the mother doesn't like hearing what's needs to be said then it's better she gets stroppy with Kentish rather than her daughter. Sorry, Kentish, I wouldn't want to see you hurt coz you're a nice guy, but for your wife to be at the receiving end of her mother's stern indignation would be extremely soul-destroying.Gassing Station | The Pie & Piston Archive | Top of Page | What's New | My Stuff