The definitive letter!
Discussion
I've seen a few threads on here recently regarding letters of complaint...I thought I'd share one with you that my colleague wrote to a mobile phone supplier (name changed to observe forum rules). It arrived with them totally uncensored by the way.
It's fairly self explanatory, long (well worth it though) and had me laughing for hours after:
8th August 2003
To the disinterested person whom this should concern
This is the first letter of complaint I have ever written.
By the time you read this letter I will no longer be a customer despite 5 years of relatively problem free dealings and I would like to take the time to tell you why. It seems that in your race to expand and attract new customers at a phenomenal rate you have completely lost sight of why your existing customers were with you in the first place. Your overworked staff have developed an astonishing contempt for the very people to whom they are supposed to be providing a very basic service.
Here is my story:
Three weeks ago I witnessed a colleague involved in an epic battle to obtain a new handset which had been guaranteed, by singlexxxxx, to him some two weeks earlier.
Stupidly, instead of reminding me of the many previous broken promises to myself regarding upgrades, this served only to whet my appetite for upgrading my current vile phone.
First step was to dial your customer number. No fewer than seven initial menu options leads to a myriad of new alternatives none of which quite correspond to what I am looking for so I have to listen to every one of the evil stress inducing things. To compound my annoyance every so often minute long lectures about what I could find online if I’m ever lucky enough to get out of this godforsaken new world I’ve been sucked into. “ I don’t care what’s on your
website!” I find myself screaming to no-one in particular.
Finally, after listening to options for the majority of my adult life, I am finally celebrating having selected what can only be the correct option. More messages. Then to my horror hold music.ing hold music!!!!. After key selecting options so specific that I must be the only person on the planet wanting this particular one of the twelve billion options the line is busy. A whole five minutes later I hear a human voice.
Scarcely daring to believe I’ve reached someone who can help me I tentatively enquire as to whether I might have a handset upgrade.
“Wrong department ill put you through”
“Will I have to hold again?”
“Depends how busy there are”
“Of course it does” I wanted to shout at her but of course I didn’t. This is because despite this letter I am a normal sane person. So I sat on hold for a further fraction of my life before finally ordering a phone recommended by your extremely efficient and polite phone selling man.
Then I found myself mysteriously and subconsciously drawn to your website. Imagine my utter horror in seeing that the phone that I had just endured all this hardship and torture to order was awful. At this point I genuinely weighed up paying £100 for a phone I didn’t want against tackling your phone system again. Finally I decided to call again. Big mistake. More of the above but with even longer holds. I felt I was being thoroughly punished for changing my mind. Bad customer that I am. However I finally spoke to another efficient polite man who ordered me another phone and cancelled my existing order with the warning that the first phone may still turn up and that under no circumstances must I sign for it and that I would face dire consequences if I did not send it away.
To my delight exactly the promised two days later a courier turned up at our door. Unfortunately he was menacingly brandishing two packages. I offered the ridiculous suggestion that I open one to see which one was the correct phone and which needed rejecting. “Look mate either sign for both or neither but you’re opening nothing until you’ve signed for it”. I believe this courier to be in league with the devil.
With memories of dire consequences I promptly rejected both phones. Unbeknownst to me I had just sent away the only chance I would ever have to upgrade my phone with singlexxxxx.
With great trepidation I dialled that oh-so-familiar number. Option number 7951354 of twelve billion concerned non arrival of handsets. After four days of pressing various combinations of buttons I stumbled upon it. And at least Id found out three times on route that you’ve got a website as if I didn’t already know about the thing. After a seventeen minute message warning people that they may be killed if they dared to call before 5.30 on the day of expected arrival I was finally subjected to more hold music. And lord was this line busy. After a phenomenal wait a nice lady answered whose two pronged purpose was to lay any potential blame firmly on your courier company whilst endeavouring to deny any possible association with them, combined with demonstrating a considerable talent for showing complete disinterest at the customers increasing distress. She did however confirm that the phone would be resent although whether I liked it or not I would have to wait a further two days.
At the end of my conversation, to my delight I was asked to participate in a customer service survey. I relished the prospect of ranting and raving to someone who may just care that your touch tone phone system was driving this loyal customer to the brink of insanity.
It was a touch tone survey!!!!!!!!. I cant believe it. Furthermore this salt-in-the-wounds survey focused purely on what your company is good at. Yes I’m happy with the cost, Yes I’m happy with my tariff, Yes I’m happy with my billing Yes I’m so happy. Somewhere someone collating the results smiles smugly at yet another satisfied customer.
At this point in in my story singlexxxxx have done very little wrong. However three sessions with the single worst phone system I have ever had the displeasure of encountering have sowed a small seed of pure frustration, anger and even hatred which would normally dissipate over the year before my next upgrade.
At approximately three pm on the Friday of my new phone’s second arrival the realization dawned that it was simply not coming. I didn’t dare pre-empt things by calling as a) at the time I simply did not have the strength or time to call and b) I remembered the message warning that I’d be killed if I dared ring one second before it was obvious you’d lied about the Friday arrival.
I rested well that weekend in preparation for my forthcoming battle. But Monday came all too soon and I dialled with a heavy heart. I felt doubly insulted that I had to endure this and hold for five minutes as a result of your mistake. Finally I get through to a customer services representative. Through gritted teeth I enquire as to where my phone is. She puts me on hold for a while before calmly informing me that the courier company hasn’t yet delivered it yet. “I know you stupid !!” I want to yell but this comes out as “Well what are you going to do about it Im fed up with this”. Her reply was “Im really sorry sir. I appreciate your frustration. Let me take your number, find out how quickly I can undo our mistake and call you back.” Was it . Her actual reply was “Well you must understand that its not our fault its the courier company.” When I pointed out to her that it was singlexxxxx who promise two day delivery and singlexxxxx who subject me to this phone hell and this reflects on you and not a courier company whom you select to represent your company that I have never spoken to her response was something along the lines of “whatever”. She proceeded to tell me that I was lucky enough to be allowed to wait a further two days before I may possibly receive my phone. Goodbye and take care.
After sitting at my desk rocking slightly with a fury that I deemed only stabbing someone through the heart could dissipate I resolved never to subject myself to this kind of self torture again. No phone will ever be made that is worth feeling like this in order to receive it.
I resolved after touch tone selecting roughly ten billion options and holding for a total of about an hour whilst experiencing complete disinterest in my plight caused by your systems that I would make one final call to this fearful system to end my relationship with singlexxxxx. I must stress that at this point if I could have just dialled and spoken immediately to a person, the actual delivery problems and untruths would be a very minor annoyance. But when you have to waste your time going through hell to challenge you about your mistakes to be faced with someone who cannot comprehend why you consider that unreasonable you lose all faith.
Finally I get through to a customer service manager to cancel my contract. She informs me that she can get me the phone delivered the following day and will credit my account with £20 for my suffering. I wonder what you have to go through to receive the ultimate compensation of a singlexxxxx “apology”. Does such a thing exist or is it playing in a candyfloss field with unicorns.
I am not a poor man. The cost to me in monetary value of my wasted time and stress is in the thousands. I simply did not have the time to waste on this and £20 is irrelevant.
For some extraordinary reason I believed that after all that had happened that this nice lady was going to finally sort this out personally and accept some kind of responsibility for my satisfaction and I would finally receive my phone on Tuesday.
By Tuesday lunchtime I had one of those ‘moments’ again where I suddenly know my phone is never coming.
On Thursday I phone to get some kind of code I need to change suppliers. Of course it takes 24 hours and I would have ring back the following day for one final subjection to this phone system.
Incidentally I enquired at the time as to where the hell my phone actually is. The lady muttered something about an address problem.
Now you have read this you will no doubt consider me a slightly deranged idiot.
The truth is that Im just a normal tolerant everyday customer who simply could not face dialling 0870 9000700 ever again.
Yours Sincerely
T
>> Edited by Carrera2 on Tuesday 21st June 13:38
It's fairly self explanatory, long (well worth it though) and had me laughing for hours after:
8th August 2003
To the disinterested person whom this should concern
This is the first letter of complaint I have ever written.
By the time you read this letter I will no longer be a customer despite 5 years of relatively problem free dealings and I would like to take the time to tell you why. It seems that in your race to expand and attract new customers at a phenomenal rate you have completely lost sight of why your existing customers were with you in the first place. Your overworked staff have developed an astonishing contempt for the very people to whom they are supposed to be providing a very basic service.
Here is my story:
Three weeks ago I witnessed a colleague involved in an epic battle to obtain a new handset which had been guaranteed, by singlexxxxx, to him some two weeks earlier.
Stupidly, instead of reminding me of the many previous broken promises to myself regarding upgrades, this served only to whet my appetite for upgrading my current vile phone.
First step was to dial your customer number. No fewer than seven initial menu options leads to a myriad of new alternatives none of which quite correspond to what I am looking for so I have to listen to every one of the evil stress inducing things. To compound my annoyance every so often minute long lectures about what I could find online if I’m ever lucky enough to get out of this godforsaken new world I’ve been sucked into. “ I don’t care what’s on your
website!” I find myself screaming to no-one in particular. Finally, after listening to options for the majority of my adult life, I am finally celebrating having selected what can only be the correct option. More messages. Then to my horror hold music.
ing hold music!!!!. After key selecting options so specific that I must be the only person on the planet wanting this particular one of the twelve billion options the line is busy. A whole five minutes later I hear a human voice. Scarcely daring to believe I’ve reached someone who can help me I tentatively enquire as to whether I might have a handset upgrade.
“Wrong department ill put you through”
“Will I have to hold again?”
“Depends how busy there are”
“Of course it
does” I wanted to shout at her but of course I didn’t. This is because despite this letter I am a normal sane person. So I sat on hold for a further fraction of my life before finally ordering a phone recommended by your extremely efficient and polite phone selling man. Then I found myself mysteriously and subconsciously drawn to your website. Imagine my utter horror in seeing that the phone that I had just endured all this hardship and torture to order was awful. At this point I genuinely weighed up paying £100 for a phone I didn’t want against tackling your phone system again. Finally I decided to call again. Big mistake. More of the above but with even longer holds. I felt I was being thoroughly punished for changing my mind. Bad customer that I am. However I finally spoke to another efficient polite man who ordered me another phone and cancelled my existing order with the warning that the first phone may still turn up and that under no circumstances must I sign for it and that I would face dire consequences if I did not send it away.
To my delight exactly the promised two days later a courier turned up at our door. Unfortunately he was menacingly brandishing two packages. I offered the ridiculous suggestion that I open one to see which one was the correct phone and which needed rejecting. “Look mate either sign for both or neither but you’re opening nothing until you’ve signed for it”. I believe this courier to be in league with the devil.
With memories of dire consequences I promptly rejected both phones. Unbeknownst to me I had just sent away the only chance I would ever have to upgrade my phone with singlexxxxx.
With great trepidation I dialled that oh-so-familiar number. Option number 7951354 of twelve billion concerned non arrival of handsets. After four days of pressing various combinations of buttons I stumbled upon it. And at least Id found out three times on route that you’ve got a website as if I didn’t already know about the
thing. After a seventeen minute message warning people that they may be killed if they dared to call before 5.30 on the day of expected arrival I was finally subjected to more hold music. And lord was this line busy. After a phenomenal wait a nice lady answered whose two pronged purpose was to lay any potential blame firmly on your courier company whilst endeavouring to deny any possible association with them, combined with demonstrating a considerable talent for showing complete disinterest at the customers increasing distress. She did however confirm that the phone would be resent although whether I liked it or not I would have to wait a further two days. At the end of my conversation, to my delight I was asked to participate in a customer service survey. I relished the prospect of ranting and raving to someone who may just care that your touch tone phone system was driving this loyal customer to the brink of insanity.
It was a
touch tone survey!!!!!!!!. I cant believe it. Furthermore this salt-in-the-wounds survey focused purely on what your company is good at. Yes I’m happy with the cost, Yes I’m happy with my tariff, Yes I’m happy with my billing Yes I’m so happy. Somewhere someone collating the results smiles smugly at yet another satisfied customer. At this point in in my story singlexxxxx have done very little wrong. However three sessions with the single worst phone system I have ever had the displeasure of encountering have sowed a small seed of pure frustration, anger and even hatred which would normally dissipate over the year before my next upgrade.
At approximately three pm on the Friday of my new phone’s second arrival the realization dawned that it was simply not coming. I didn’t dare pre-empt things by calling as a) at the time I simply did not have the strength or time to call and b) I remembered the message warning that I’d be killed if I dared ring one second before it was obvious you’d lied about the Friday arrival.
I rested well that weekend in preparation for my forthcoming battle. But Monday came all too soon and I dialled with a heavy heart. I felt doubly insulted that I had to endure this and hold for five minutes as a result of your mistake. Finally I get through to a customer services representative. Through gritted teeth I enquire as to where my phone is. She puts me on hold for a while before calmly informing me that the courier company hasn’t yet delivered it yet. “I
know you stupid !!” I want to yell but this comes out as “Well what are you going to do about it Im fed up with this”. Her reply was “Im really sorry sir. I appreciate your frustration. Let me take your number, find out how quickly I can undo our mistake and call you back.” Was it . Her actual reply was “Well you must understand that its not our fault its the courier company.” When I pointed out to her that it was singlexxxxx who promise two day delivery and singlexxxxx who subject me to this phone hell and this reflects on you and not a courier company whom you select to represent your company that I have never spoken to her response was something along the lines of “whatever”. She proceeded to tell me that I was lucky enough to be allowed to wait a further two days before I may possibly receive my phone. Goodbye and take care. After sitting at my desk rocking slightly with a fury that I deemed only stabbing someone through the heart could dissipate I resolved never to subject myself to this kind of self torture again. No phone will ever be made that is worth feeling like this in order to receive it.
I resolved after touch tone selecting roughly ten billion options and holding for a total of about an hour whilst experiencing complete disinterest in my plight caused by your systems that I would make one final call to this fearful system to end my relationship with singlexxxxx. I must stress that at this point if I could have just dialled and spoken immediately to a person, the actual delivery problems and untruths would be a very minor annoyance. But when you have to waste your time going through hell to challenge you about your mistakes to be faced with someone who cannot comprehend why you consider that unreasonable you lose all faith.
Finally I get through to a customer service manager to cancel my contract. She informs me that she can get me the phone delivered the following day and will credit my account with £20 for my suffering. I wonder what you have to go through to receive the ultimate compensation of a singlexxxxx “apology”. Does such a thing exist or is it playing in a candyfloss field with unicorns.
I am not a poor man. The cost to me in monetary value of my wasted time and stress is in the thousands. I simply did not have the time to waste on this and £20 is irrelevant.
For some extraordinary reason I believed that after all that had happened that this nice lady was going to finally sort this out personally and accept some kind of responsibility for my satisfaction and I would finally receive my phone on Tuesday.
By Tuesday lunchtime I had one of those ‘moments’ again where I suddenly know my phone is never coming.
On Thursday I phone to get some kind of code I need to change suppliers. Of course it takes 24 hours and I would have ring back the following day for one final subjection to this phone system.
Incidentally I enquired at the time as to where the hell my phone actually is. The lady muttered something about an address problem.
Now you have read this you will no doubt consider me a slightly deranged idiot.
The truth is that Im just a normal tolerant everyday customer who simply could not face dialling 0870 9000700 ever again.
Yours Sincerely
T
>> Edited by Carrera2 on Tuesday 21st June 13:38
the bloke from the local phone shop comes to my office and saves me thousands pa. into the bargain (oh yeah, i can get just about any phone free as well)
if he is "not a poor man" why is he scraping round with Singlepoint and the like, just go to a shop man and stop being so tight
Greg
if he is "not a poor man" why is he scraping round with Singlepoint and the like, just go to a shop man and stop being so tight
Greg
Hmmmmm i had a similar experience with trying to get a working phone from possible the company in the letter. Have since switched to Orange. Wanted a new phone, but the shop wanted £100 for it. So I phoned them, went through to customer retentions, the guy said:
"I see you want phoneX? And it's £100? Well I've already marked it down for you for free. It will be with you tomorrow. Anything else I can help you with."
I replied no and that was it.
"I see you want phoneX? And it's £100? Well I've already marked it down for you for free. It will be with you tomorrow. Anything else I can help you with."
I replied no and that was it.
greg_D said:
the bloke from the local phone shop comes to my office and saves me thousands pa. into the bargain (oh yeah, i can get just about any phone free as well)
if he is "not a poor man" why is he scraping round with Singlepoint and the like, just go to a shop man and stop being so tight
Greg
Ive noticed that regardless of the reason/subject of a thread you cant resist attempting to swing the topic round to what an incredible success you are and how good a business man you are.
How can the author be "tight" when using your method would save "thousands p.a." etc.
Why is a description of your local business to business sales service relevant to this chap who is angry about customer services?
Its not-thats the answer, you just wanted to tell everyone.
Great letter by th way
Top letter well written. I am a great beliver in complaining when appropriate and also praising by the same token. There are too many people who bitch and moan but never do it to the correct people. Some companies are just so big however they do loose sight of the issue. My favorite was with toys are us, long story but, went to by a specific toy after queing for the one till and watching the manager on the phone telling jokes I complained, he would not see me. In the end complained to HO who sent £10.00 voucher, went to spend it same type of problem. This happened four times each time they sent £10.00, so I got £40.00 for a toy that was £3.50 my final letter was along the lines of send no more money you will never sort it out. It was a standard response to give cash not sort out the complaint. If the person who invented the automatic phone systems had realsied what an utter pile of crap this has turned our customer interphase into, they would surley have topped themself. My absolute favorite is after going through several menus is when you get the "your call is very important to us" message, if it is so important set some people on to anserw it then.
mutt k said:
I'll ask this question before this thread deteriorates into another mud slinging slagfest; great letter, and one that we would all like to write, but do such masterpieces ever get a response from those to whom the venom is directed?
Funnily enough the letter worked a treat.
Singlecunt got back in touch with 'T' and gave him a direct dial number to speak directly to sales on and the letter made it to Board level (apparently) where it was used as an example of 'how not to do things'.
All in all it worked.
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