bono buys lara croft ... as you do ...
Discussion
now thats hardly fair. as if he needs any help getting chics like lara croft.
what hope have we got now? as always, its one rule for irish-rock-singers-come-campaigners-come-mildly-pseudo-political-tory-hugging-zealots-with-chums-called-the-edge, and another rule for the rest of us. no wonder this country is in the state it is etc etc >richard littlejohn mode disabled<
>> Edited by nervous on Tuesday 22 March 09:52
what hope have we got now? as always, its one rule for irish-rock-singers-come-campaigners-come-mildly-pseudo-political-tory-hugging-zealots-with-chums-called-the-edge, and another rule for the rest of us. no wonder this country is in the state it is etc etc >richard littlejohn mode disabled<
>> Edited by nervous on Tuesday 22 March 09:52
nervous said:
now thats hardly fair. as if he needs any help getting chics like lara croft.
what hope have we got now? as always, its one rule for irish-rock-singers-come-campaigners-come-mildly-pseudo-political-tory-hugging-zealots-with-chums-called-the-edge, and another rule for the rest of us. no wonder this country is in the state it is etc etc >richard littlejohn mode disabled<
>> Edited by nervous on Tuesday 22 March 09:52
could someone disable piers morgan?
nervous said:
well, if stings tantric claims are to be believed, she's got a lot of time on her hands. if youll excuse the dreadful mental image.
hmmmm, a 24hr bonk-fest .... maybe that will become a new challenge for lara?
also, i am sure we can see some new super-hero allies introduced to the game - "bonoman - half fly, half w*nker" - "stingman - half pompous pillock, half tree"
can i just say, if anyone from eidos is watching this and theyre planning to take EB up on this idea, i am more than willing (though perhaps less able) to be the model for any rendering needed to create said 24 hour bonk-fest with lara croft. reasonable rates, no job too small, overtime charged at standard rate. what the hell, ill hold the camera too. all i want is a copy of the tape. and possibly a minogue or two (standard currency in these parts)(so to speak)
nervous said:
can i just say, if anyone from eidos is watching this and theyre planning to take EB up on this idea, i am more than willing (though perhaps less able) to be the model for any rendering needed to create said 24 hour bonk-fest with lara croft. reasonable rates, no job too small, overtime charged at standard rate. what the hell, ill hold the camera too. all i want is a copy of the tape. and possibly a minogue or two (standard currency in these parts)(so to speak)
you're act of martyrdom for the cause of more smut in video-gaming is to be applauded.
our new md, mr bono, will consider your kind offer and get back to you as soon as he has saved the planet.
we do not deal in units as small as a minogue - however, if we reach an agreemtn, we can offer you a nigella if this is acceptable?
in the meantime, you could do some background research regarding our next game under this new era of leadership:
lara croft - clears world debt and takes up pole dancing.
wow, now that is serendipitous (i have waited YEARS to use that word). inadvertantly i have been researching 50% of that for the past 15 years. and since i know its now chargeable against expenses, i have to pop out now for a.. erm...quick...research.
of course, to save on money, if you wish ill have a pole installed in casa de nervous and bring strippers in, rather than claiming for mileage. all part of the service. what the hell, ill even grease it myself (steady now, lets not revisit our collective breakfasts)
youre obedient servant,
N.
of course, to save on money, if you wish ill have a pole installed in casa de nervous and bring strippers in, rather than claiming for mileage. all part of the service. what the hell, ill even grease it myself (steady now, lets not revisit our collective breakfasts)
youre obedient servant,
N.
nervous said:
wow, now that is serendipitous (i have waited YEARS to use that word). inadvertantly i have been researching 50% of that for the past 15 years. and since i know its now chargeable against expenses, i have to pop out now for a.. erm...quick...research.
of course, to save on money, if you wish ill have a pole installed in casa de nervous and bring strippers in, rather than claiming for mileage. all part of the service. what the hell, ill even grease it myself (steady now, lets not revisit our collective breakfasts)
youre obedient servant,
N.
mr bono asks that you focus on the world debt aspect of the new game's design.
mr bono is tiring of such matters and intends to direct his efforts towards the greasy pole aspect of the game.
mr sting has offered to provide the greasy pole.
so, in your research please bear in mind the following keywords and expressions - egotistical pop star, pompous preening singer, mr pope meet mr bono, famine - ha! - what is it good for, mr sting meet mr bono meeting mr clinton meeting mr pope meeting mr annan meeting mr putin meeting mr geldof meeting mr blair meeting mr sting (avoid deadly infinite loop in the programming of this aspect), leather trousers, wraparound sunglasses, dated stadium rock, i'm boreed what shall i spend my money on? world debt? famine? no, a computer game! how to dismantle a past their sell by date ageing rock group, bono spelt backwards is "o, nob!" ...
Dear Mr. Bono (i apologise if thats your first name, i have both a first and last name you see, for ease of use, and standard protocol allows the appropriate choice to be made without fear of reprisal),
ok. 'tis done. ive coded all that. please find it attached in the file marked 'Edios/Tedious: Lara Croft 5: Lara Saves the Day, and Then Sleeps With Nervous'.
please note that although in this draft copy the aforementioned world leaders may look like assorted ropey old porn stars, thats a mere technical glitch and full photo-realistic graphics will be installed in the final draft. and by now means is this an old porn film with my head photoshopped in, gurning like a good'un.
all cheques are to be made to Collecting Altruistic Society Handlers (or CASH for short).
sometimes i dont know how i do it for the money.
many thanks,
N.
ok. 'tis done. ive coded all that. please find it attached in the file marked 'Edios/Tedious: Lara Croft 5: Lara Saves the Day, and Then Sleeps With Nervous'.
please note that although in this draft copy the aforementioned world leaders may look like assorted ropey old porn stars, thats a mere technical glitch and full photo-realistic graphics will be installed in the final draft. and by now means is this an old porn film with my head photoshopped in, gurning like a good'un.
all cheques are to be made to Collecting Altruistic Society Handlers (or CASH for short).
sometimes i dont know how i do it for the money.
many thanks,
N.
nervous said:
Dear Mr. Bono (i apologise if thats your first name, i have both a first and last name you see, for ease of use, and standard protocol allows the appropriate choice to be made without fear of reprisal),
ok. 'tis done. ive coded all that. please find it attached in the file marked 'Edios/Tedious: Lara Croft 5: Lara Saves the Day, and Then Sleeps With Nervous'.
please note that although in this draft copy the aforementioned world leaders may look like assorted ropey old porn stars, thats a mere technical glitch and full photo-realistic graphics will be installed in the final draft. and by now means is this an old porn film with my head photoshopped in, gurning like a good'un.
all cheques are to be made to Collecting Altruistic Society Handlers (or CASH for short).
sometimes i dont know how i do it for the money.
many thanks,
N.
thank you mr nervous
we have some concerns with this first draft:
lara "giving head" to mr pope - please delete
mr sting taking mr bono from behind - vice versa, please - mr bono, as the world knows "is a giver and not a taker"
mr clinton bowing to mr bono - kneeling, please
mr geldof - who? please delete - use mr bono
mr blair fawning, grinning and back-slapping mr bono - more of that, please
mr bono looking cool and in a 69 with ms lara - less pixels, please
ms lara and mr clinton - please delete
ms lara saves the world - use mr bono instead please
we look forward to your next draft. thank you.
ok, corrections made. though we at nervous coding wish to point out that:
lara was not "giving head" to mr pope - she was merely having a wimpole (we told her she should have gone before she arrived)
mr sting was not taking mr bono from behind, he was merely broading his musical spectrum. if you click on bono he will say either 'not so bad once youre up'/'only hurts like buggery the first time'. a nice touch we think youll agree.
mr clinton was not bowing to mr bono - he was responding to mr bonos request for a drink, and putting his hand in his pocket and stumping up for a change. if you knew him like i do, youd know that he loves to splash out on people.
it was not mr geldof: it was catweasel.
mr blair was not featured. the character you refer to was the Joker from batman.
mr bono was not in a 69 with LC, this was meant to be a 99. with sprinkles. perhaps your confusion arrose from the low resolution of the flake?
we feel that 'lara saves the world' is more suited to the game than 'mr bono saves the world' as mr nervous is reluctant to take Mr Bonos offer of payment in kind, as previously confirmed by the court injunction.
i trust this meets your approval.
best wishes, i remain your loyal, coding, servant.
Mr N.
lara was not "giving head" to mr pope - she was merely having a wimpole (we told her she should have gone before she arrived)
mr sting was not taking mr bono from behind, he was merely broading his musical spectrum. if you click on bono he will say either 'not so bad once youre up'/'only hurts like buggery the first time'. a nice touch we think youll agree.
mr clinton was not bowing to mr bono - he was responding to mr bonos request for a drink, and putting his hand in his pocket and stumping up for a change. if you knew him like i do, youd know that he loves to splash out on people.
it was not mr geldof: it was catweasel.
mr blair was not featured. the character you refer to was the Joker from batman.
mr bono was not in a 69 with LC, this was meant to be a 99. with sprinkles. perhaps your confusion arrose from the low resolution of the flake?
we feel that 'lara saves the world' is more suited to the game than 'mr bono saves the world' as mr nervous is reluctant to take Mr Bonos offer of payment in kind, as previously confirmed by the court injunction.
i trust this meets your approval.
best wishes, i remain your loyal, coding, servant.
Mr N.
nervous said:
we feel that 'lara saves the world' is more suited to the game than 'mr bono saves the world' as mr nervous is reluctant to take Mr Bonos offer of payment in kind, as previously confirmed by the court injunction.
i trust this meets your approval.
best wishes, i remain your loyal, coding, servant.
Mr N.
thank you for your clarification. we will need to refer these revised points to the "ethics-team" within bonoware, inc.
ps, please make ms croft's boobs a lot bigger. make it clear this is mr bono's personal request as it suggests his heterosexuality is beyond question.
pps, mr bono henceforth wishes to be known as "the artist formerly known as being a tiresome egotistical pillock is now an aspiring software mogul for some reason"
ppps, he is still interested in world causes but pixelated tits are more relevant to world peace right now.
pppps, please await news of bonoware's imminent acquisition of microsoft and apple computers. bonoware would like to make it clear that it is not a cash-laundering front for mr annan's pension fund.
ppppps, it is totally untrue that the primary funding for this acquisition came in the form of unmarked notes from an irish bank.
signed, the board of directors
ceo - mr bono, the artist formerly known as ....
cfo - mr m mcguinness
cio - mr g adams
head of r n d - mr nervous
head of support - mr pope
head of sales - mr clinton
legal counsel - mr m hastings
head of pr - mr putin
personnel - mr sting
head of marketing - mr edge
head of niceness - mr mullen
head of glumness - mr clayton
now THAT is genius. i cant tell you happy i am that i finally work for a company where one can aspire to the title of 'head of niceness'. finally, all of my skills will be totally wasted.
please confirm my earlier enquiries about my concerns over 'slave-labour-sweat-shop' rates of pay, and the enforced issue of lucky charms at all meal breaks. To confirm: i am NOT after youre lucky charms.
Best,
Toby Sure (head of slave labour c/o the sweat shop)
please confirm my earlier enquiries about my concerns over 'slave-labour-sweat-shop' rates of pay, and the enforced issue of lucky charms at all meal breaks. To confirm: i am NOT after youre lucky charms.
Best,
Toby Sure (head of slave labour c/o the sweat shop)
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