God I stank

[crankedup]

Moving along from the doggie thread, I managed to fall over in my garden, putting my hands outstretched as you do when you fall over, my hands hit the ground and my right hand kind of slipped over the grass. I inspected my hands ready to brush myself down when I was almost overcome by the most horrendous pong I have ever had the misfortune to smell. My hand was also covered in this turd like substance by which time I was in full retching mode

Upon my landing my had had landed within an enormous pile of badgers shite I ran up the garden and plunged my offended hand into the waterbutt washing off what has to be the most repulsive stinking morass of slime filth within this world.

Now tell me have you had a worse encounter with nature?

[Uriel]

I was once in my back yard as a kid sitting on the ground with my legs stretched out in front of me and my arms behind propping me up.

I moved to get more comfortable and repositioned my hands, but when I put my hand down I put it down with all my weight behind it onto a featherless newborn bird. I imagine it'd dropped from a nest on top of the house. That was pretty repulsive hearing the cracking sound ,feeling something squishy and turning my hand over to see it stuck to my hand.

[bigandclever]

My dog once attacked and ate the contents of the bathroom bin, including a couple of fresh nappies. Cleaning up after that was pleasant. Then a week later I had to pull lengths of dental floss out of the dogs arse. Happy days

[Marki]

bigandclever said:

My dog once attacked and ate the contents of the bathroom bin, including a couple of fresh nappies. Cleaning up after that was pleasant. Then a week later I had to pull lengths of dental floss out of the dogs arse. Happy days

dont you just love mans best friend

[pmanson]

Marki said:

bigandclever said: My dog once attacked and ate the contents of the bathroom bin, including a couple of fresh nappies. Cleaning up after that was pleasant. Then a week later I had to pull lengths of dental floss out of the dogs arse. Happy days dont you just love mans best friend

I've had such a boring day and i'm now laughing out loud in the office. Cheers!

[birdbrain]

I stopped liking dogs the day I rolled down a hill at primary school and rolled into some dog turd that someone's dog had thoughtfully left in the school playground.

[paolow]

i havent got any stories that beat those
fortunately

edited to add - mate - youve got the most stupid dog ever what breed is it?

>> Edited by paolow on Tuesday 21st December 12:57

[Don]

When I was a boy I would always be suspicious if my younger sister seemed to be sleeping overly late.

Why?

Well she wasn't a habitual early riser but often enough she'd be up before me. She'd go downstairs to the kitchen, discover the dog had shat on the floor and simply return to bed to avoid the need to clean the mess up.

The problem was I'd invariably bound into the kitchen looking for something to eat (teenage lad) and discover the foul putrescent turd with my bare feet.

Nice. Especially when it squeezes up between your toes. What are you supposed to do after that? Walk to the bathroom to wash it off? Nope - you'd spread turd all around the house...so I had to stand there yelling for the cow to get up, come back downstairs and bring some ferkin kitchen roll with her...

If she was feeling squeamish it could take a lot of yelling to get her attention...

[ukBOB]

I was taking pics of my TVR the other day, squatted down low and put my hand out to lean on... fingers ploughed deep into an almost steaming freshly laid brownish yellow super thick dog log, much to my girlfriends amusement

I told a friend in Canada once the toilet pipes had frozen solid, and off he went outside to shit in the igloo we had built He must have had to squeeze a few lengths out lying down on his back or side, poor chap as the cieling was only a few feet high!

I remember the good old days when my sister actually trusted me, and leading her around the garden blind folded was still a fun game we both enjoyed playing. Bare feet of course Needless to say, I led her along in search of the biggest freshest pile of labrador feces I could find. Once the target had been sighted, we had to make several passes before she finally stomped on it, but seeing the muck ooze through between her toes made me laugh hard enough not to feel bad, and also put an end to her trust in blindfolded garden games.

The other day my girlfriends neices came round to my place. I had bought some dried african sausage (called droewors) which looked just like a log of dog shit. I broke a piece off, squashed it flat (as if it had been trodden on) went out, and came back into the room holding the squashed dried black sausage, my shoe and some toilet paper. After pretending to be cursing a dog whose shit I had trodden in, I pretended to chase them with it, and then dared them that I was brave enough to eat it. Of course, I built the atmosphere up with much banter, the look on their faces when I bit off half the poo, chewed it up and stuck my tongue out at them was priceless! I cant wait to have kids of my own to play tricks on

[philthy]

You're sick Bob, you need treatment

Phil

[Yugguy]

My dog once ate the entire contents of a freshly used condom. Kind of spoilt the mellow after-sex moment.

[philthy]

and you too yugguy.

[ukBOB]

philthy said:

You're sick Bob, you need treatment Phil

Its all in the nature of good fun

In junior school we used to post dried nuggets of dog grunt to classmates we didn't like. Before long, word got out and a war began between the members of the class, everyone buying stamps, envelopes and going in search of ever bigger and fresher canine business to mail to eachother.

When I was a kid, my parents gave me a spade and a packet and made me clean up after the dog to earn my pocket money. I got the idea to use a bamboo stick to spear the turds, and then fling them over to the other side of the neihbours garden. I enjoyed my cleaning duties which were going well, until the afternoon that brought a fateful knocking to the front door. I was marched round to the neighbours house and given a small tissue, and told to clean up their garden!

When my sister was a younger, perhaps 6 or so, she was sick, feverish, and shat in her own bunk bed. To make matters worse, she didnt wake up, and in her fevered nightmareish state she thrashed and kicked and flailed her arms and legs under the covers all night long. I remember going into her room early the following morning to play, and for the first time in my life, experienced shock horror as I looked on aghast. She resembled a creature which appeared to have been dug up from a muddy swamp bog, covered from head to toe, feses in her eyes and hair, you couldnt see much of her face, and her flailing had smeared the white walls a septic shade of brown. Being a brother of infinite love, kindness and tact, I took it upon myself to recount the incident in front of her friends every year, embarassing the poor girl like never before. But generally, though... I was a nice brother

[titiany]

My cat, apres-poo, used to have dingles that clung onto his arse. Nuggets would drop onto the carpet here there and everywhere.

Unfortunately he was a dirty little mite who never used to wash himself, so each time the above problem ocurred I had to paste some Flora on his bum to make him lick it clean.

It worked though

[jconsta6]

I wont go into details but my brothers dog managed to retrieve a used tampax from my bedroom whilest I was engaged in "activities" with the missus on a sunday morning. This wouldn;t have been so bad had she not then proceeded to run out of the room and present it to my mother in the kitchen.....

Oh happy days...

Oh yeah, had a horse sneezed in my face when I was about 5 - never gonna get over the psycological damage that caused.

They are all coming back now, had a blocked drain in my flat once didn't realise it was blocked for a while do by the time I got to it it was minging, I decided to just roll up my sleeves and get stuck in I put my hand down the drain and I coul dfeel something so I grabbed hold and tugged, then tugged again, and it came up, well, half of it came up I had the back leg and guts of a half decompossed hedgehog in my hand.....

JC

[gopher]

Mate tells a good one

him and his wife were around his bosses house for an evening meal - starters had been completed and dog was wondering around the house getting more and more uneasy.

As the main course was being served dog came into dining room and decided to throw the whole of his stomachs contents under the table. Bad enough in itself but the dog had "Issues" which meant that the contents of its stomach was all the local dog turds he could find, now just nice and warm and mixed with acid.

makes me wretch jsut thinking about it

[philthy]

Years ago, my mate picked up a cat, and was stroking him. He remarked how badly the cat smelt. When he put him down, he discovered the cat was obviously not well. It had shat all over the front of his chunky ex army jumper.

I laughed so hard, I had to run off up an alley for a pee before I wet my pants.

Phil

[lunarscope]

bigandclever said:

My dog once attacked and ate the contents of the bathroom bin, including a couple of fresh nappies. Cleaning up after that was pleasant. Then a week later I had to pull lengths of dental floss out of the dogs arse. Happy days

Did it still taste minty ?

[chim_knee]

titiany said:

My cat, apres-poo, used to have dingles that clung onto his arse. Nuggets would drop onto the carpet here there and everywhere. Unfortunately he was a dirty little mite who never used to wash himself, so each time the above problem ocurred I had to paste some Flora on his bum to make him lick it clean. It worked though

It's funny you should say that - I picked up my cat last night and held him much like Bob Carolgees (sp?) held Spit the Dog. Upon putting him down, I noticed a perfect bum sized brown circle on my forearm. Being bright, I decided to sniff it to see what it was... cue lots of homer-type "oooo's" and skipping from one foot to the other.

Then, my better-half rushed in with a Dettol wipe and wiped my arm (I said ARM!)... then, proceeded to clean little lenny's bum. I absolutely cracked up when she did that as he went from purring, half closed eyes to wide-eyed shock. He then spent a good half-an-hour cleaning himself... I'll remember the flora next time.

PS How do you administer it?

>> Edited by chim_knee on Tuesday 21st December 14:18

[titiany]

I went with a friend of mine to a house party once.

She waited outside the toilet for a while for a guy to come out. When he finally did, she walked in and connected with a freshly laid turd on the lino.

Not only did she slip, fall, and knock the putrid turd spinning across the floor, but due to the nature of the sandals she was wearing, the fella was smeared in between her toes.