A Christmas Poem

[towman]

Twas the night before christmas, and all through the house,
Not a creature was stirring,not even a mouse.
That story`s OK, if you`re just a child,
I`ll tell you mine, it`s a little more wild.


T'was the night before Christmas and God it was neat,
The kids were both gone, and my wife was on heat.
The doors were all bolted, the phone off the hook,
It was time for some nooky, by hook or by crook.

Mom in her tackle, and I in the nude,
had just hit the bedroom – time to get rude!
Then out on the lawn there arose such a cry,
That I lost my stiffy and mummy went dry.

Up to the window I sprang like a deer,
Pulled back the curtains – to see what was here.
The moon was so bright that it lit up the yard,
The place was a mess, something hit it real hard.

When what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a knackered old sleigh and eight manky reindeer.
With a fat little driver, half out of his sled,
A sock in his ear, and a bra on his head.

Sure as I'm speaking, he was high as a kite,
And he yelled to his team, but it didn't sound right.
"Whoa Dickhead, whoa shagwit, whoa Stupid, whoa Putz,
now slow down this this or I'll cut off your nuts.

Over the lamp post, and don't hit that tree,
stop shaking the sleigh, 'cause I gotta go wee."
They just missed the post, but the tree got a whack,
Just as Santa leaned out and threw up in his sack.

And then from the roof came a hell of a splatter,
As each little reindeer now emptied his bladder.
I put on my trousers to cover my rump,
When down through the chimney he came with a thump.

His suit was all soaking with perfume galore,
He looked like a bum and he smelled like a whore.
"That was some whorehouse," he said with a smile,
"The reindeer are shagged, so I'll rest for awhile."

He walked to the kitchen and poured up a drink,
Then whipped out his todger and pissed in the sink.
I started to laugh, my wife smiled with glee,
Old santa was hung right down to his knee.

Back in the den, Santa reached in his sack,
His toys were all gone, but new things were packed.
The first thing he found was a black posing pouch,
Funny thing is, it matches our couch!

A box full of condoms was Santa's next find,
And a six pack of panties, the edible kind.
A bra without nipples, a penis extension,
And boxes of goodies I won't even mention.

Silk stockings, a G-string, and all types of oil,
And a dildo so long that it lay in a coil.
"This stuff ain't for kids, Mrs Santa would shit,
If you don't mind I'll leave it all here when I split."

He filled every stocking and then had to go,
A sad sight he looked, almost buried in snow.
He jumped on his sleigh, but his feet were like lead,
so he slipped on his arse and farted instead.

He cursed and got up and climbed into his seat,
"Let's go ya varmits, ma santa`s in heat!"
The shuddering lurch slammed him back in his chair,
And he let out a belch as they took to the air,

Bending the lamp post and scraping the tree,
He bounced off two chimneys before he got free.
"I'm comin' home, woman!" he shouted out load,
"front or back bottom, I`m really not proud!"

I turned to the missus, with a look in my eyes,
and said now or never, come on open your thighs.
She looked up at me, in a manner half hearted
Said bollocks, rolled over, burped and then farted.

So this is my lesson to all of you here,
Don’t act like santa and come once a year.
If the one in your life is a bit of a nag,
Keep em happy and smiling by giving a shag.