Jeremy Clarkson: Let's break all Tony's laws
Discussion
www.timesonline.co.uk/newspaper/0,,176-1399796,00.html
Jeremy Clarkson: Let's break all Tony's laws
I see that pretty soon parish councillor henchmen will be prowling round our villages at night, handing out £50,000 fixed-penalty notices to those whose lights are keeping people from getting to sleep.
Well now; I live opposite a football pitch that, each evening, is illuminated by several starburst gigawatt lamps. They’re an eyesore, for sure, but since I understand that it’s jolly hard to play football in the dark I have not complained. Instead I’ve simply hung two pieces of material in front of the window. I like to call them “the curtains”.
I have tried, really I’ve tried, to understand why legislation is needed to prevent people from using lights at night but then I’ve tried hard to understand why dogs aren’t allowed to kill foxes any more. And I don’t get that either. Or why I can’t use my mobile phone when I’m stuck in a traffic jam.
Every single day there is a small piece in the papers that announces the introduction of a law banning something which you thought was harmless. And here’s the thing. You raise your eyebrows momentarily and then you turn the page.
It’s only when you add up the number of new laws that have come along since His Toniness grinned his way into No 10 that you realise just how much of our freedom he’s tried to erode in the past seven years.
Last week Boris Johnson told us that you may not legally fix a broken window pane in your own home unless you are a qualified broken window mender and that when the work is done you must get it inspected by a broken window inspector from the local council. Furthermore, it is against the law to change or tamper with the electrical sockets in your own kitchen.
There’s so much more to come as well. Greyhound tracks will soon need new super licences, you will not be allowed to tread on a stag beetle, you will not be able to have unprotected sex or a few drinks with your friends after work. Cheese will have to be marked with a government health warning and you will be prevented from telling jokes about homosexual men, lesbians, Muslims, Catholics, the Irish and foxes.
Gary Lineker will only be allowed on television after the watershed, in case children are enticed into his dangerous salt and vinegar world, you will not be allowed to get your dog to kill a rat — because it’s a wild animal — and you will be banned from giving your mum a headstone when she dies in case it falls over.
Naturally you will also be banned from smoking in public, owning a Bible, sending Christmas cards that feature the nativity and smacking your children. Happily, you will be allowed to drive a car, but not at more than 20mph, not if you’ve had a piece of sherry trifle and certainly not if it has four-wheel drive.
All of the above will be covered by legislation, but where this is not possible Tony uses the Hoxton Thought Police instead. As a result I was told last week that I am now “not allowed” to talk about Siamese twins and must in future refer to them as “conjoined”.
Why? Down’s babies used to be called mongoloid because it was felt some of their facial characteristics made them look as if they were from Mongolia. And I can see why that might be upsetting. For both Mongolians and those with Down’s.
But the expression Siamese twins is used because the first pair ever to reach the world’s consciousness — called Chang and Eng — happened to be from Siam. So who’s going to be upset? Siam doesn’t even exist any more. Are these idiots now saying I can’t refer to Dutch courage? And if so, who will stand up for the right of measles if I call them German?
To be honest, however, none of this interference is going to make any difference to my life. That’s why I’m not whingeing, because I shall continue to call people while driving, and tell them stories that Cherie Blair would find offensive.
Furthermore, I’ll carry on calling two people who share body parts Siamese twins. I will eat as much cheese as I like and I will still give my dog a whole packet of prawn-cocktail-flavoured crisps whenever she rips a rat to pieces.
This evening I’m thinking of smacking the children. For fun. And then, when I go to bed tonight, after I’ve altered all the wiring in my kitchen and drunk two bottles of wine I’ll leave the outside lights on. And dream about the glimpse of G-string I saw in the office last week.
In other words, in a single day I will break 14 laws and seven social taboos that simply didn’t exist before Tony came along. And I shall do so with impunity because there’s no way in hell he can possibly enforce all his Big Ideas.
Jeremy Clarkson: Let's break all Tony's laws
I see that pretty soon parish councillor henchmen will be prowling round our villages at night, handing out £50,000 fixed-penalty notices to those whose lights are keeping people from getting to sleep.
Well now; I live opposite a football pitch that, each evening, is illuminated by several starburst gigawatt lamps. They’re an eyesore, for sure, but since I understand that it’s jolly hard to play football in the dark I have not complained. Instead I’ve simply hung two pieces of material in front of the window. I like to call them “the curtains”.
I have tried, really I’ve tried, to understand why legislation is needed to prevent people from using lights at night but then I’ve tried hard to understand why dogs aren’t allowed to kill foxes any more. And I don’t get that either. Or why I can’t use my mobile phone when I’m stuck in a traffic jam.
Every single day there is a small piece in the papers that announces the introduction of a law banning something which you thought was harmless. And here’s the thing. You raise your eyebrows momentarily and then you turn the page.
It’s only when you add up the number of new laws that have come along since His Toniness grinned his way into No 10 that you realise just how much of our freedom he’s tried to erode in the past seven years.
Last week Boris Johnson told us that you may not legally fix a broken window pane in your own home unless you are a qualified broken window mender and that when the work is done you must get it inspected by a broken window inspector from the local council. Furthermore, it is against the law to change or tamper with the electrical sockets in your own kitchen.
There’s so much more to come as well. Greyhound tracks will soon need new super licences, you will not be allowed to tread on a stag beetle, you will not be able to have unprotected sex or a few drinks with your friends after work. Cheese will have to be marked with a government health warning and you will be prevented from telling jokes about homosexual men, lesbians, Muslims, Catholics, the Irish and foxes.
Gary Lineker will only be allowed on television after the watershed, in case children are enticed into his dangerous salt and vinegar world, you will not be allowed to get your dog to kill a rat — because it’s a wild animal — and you will be banned from giving your mum a headstone when she dies in case it falls over.
Naturally you will also be banned from smoking in public, owning a Bible, sending Christmas cards that feature the nativity and smacking your children. Happily, you will be allowed to drive a car, but not at more than 20mph, not if you’ve had a piece of sherry trifle and certainly not if it has four-wheel drive.
All of the above will be covered by legislation, but where this is not possible Tony uses the Hoxton Thought Police instead. As a result I was told last week that I am now “not allowed” to talk about Siamese twins and must in future refer to them as “conjoined”.
Why? Down’s babies used to be called mongoloid because it was felt some of their facial characteristics made them look as if they were from Mongolia. And I can see why that might be upsetting. For both Mongolians and those with Down’s.
But the expression Siamese twins is used because the first pair ever to reach the world’s consciousness — called Chang and Eng — happened to be from Siam. So who’s going to be upset? Siam doesn’t even exist any more. Are these idiots now saying I can’t refer to Dutch courage? And if so, who will stand up for the right of measles if I call them German?
To be honest, however, none of this interference is going to make any difference to my life. That’s why I’m not whingeing, because I shall continue to call people while driving, and tell them stories that Cherie Blair would find offensive.
Furthermore, I’ll carry on calling two people who share body parts Siamese twins. I will eat as much cheese as I like and I will still give my dog a whole packet of prawn-cocktail-flavoured crisps whenever she rips a rat to pieces.
This evening I’m thinking of smacking the children. For fun. And then, when I go to bed tonight, after I’ve altered all the wiring in my kitchen and drunk two bottles of wine I’ll leave the outside lights on. And dream about the glimpse of G-string I saw in the office last week.
In other words, in a single day I will break 14 laws and seven social taboos that simply didn’t exist before Tony came along. And I shall do so with impunity because there’s no way in hell he can possibly enforce all his Big Ideas.
Jeremy Clarkson said:
an awful lot of common sense
Isn't the tide turning on the grinning jackanape? Haven't spoken to a single person who can say one good thing for the ubergruppenkontrolfreak, and my circle of business acquaintances includes some dripping wet lefties...has he had his chips? Is the big house to allow him to spend more time with his family? Is Mandy's EU appointent to allow smooth passage onto the gravy train for His Tininess of Bliar? Would anybody apart from old labour dinosaurs vote for greedy Stash Gordon?
>> Edited by turbobloke on Sunday 12th December 10:09
You'ld be amazed at how even the darkest, lined curtains fail to stop the glare from one of these searchlights. Anyway, why should I have to go to the extent of making my house light-tight just because some idiot decides that a 1,000 watt light is appropriate for lighting up his Ford Mondeo every time a cat wanders in front of his house? Believe me, excess light REALLY is a problem.
And, at the moment, we DO have a football pitch across the road from us and they do practice under floodlights and it is not a problem at all (they only practice twice a week for a couple of hours each time and the lights go out before ten pm).
And, at the moment, we DO have a football pitch across the road from us and they do practice under floodlights and it is not a problem at all (they only practice twice a week for a couple of hours each time and the lights go out before ten pm).
Eric Mc said:Agreed and sympathies, I've lived opposite somebody whose supernova security lighting was badly directed - straight into my home! I did the thick curtain thing and it was OK.
You'ld be amazed at how even the darkest, lined curtains fail to stop the glare from one of these searchlights. Believe me, excess light REALLY is a problem.
I think, after a while, no-one's going to be able to actually do anything without either breaking the law or being advised against their actions, to the point whereby either everyone will have a criminal record for petty little things whilst the criminals continue to get away with everything, or everyone will just stop giving a toss and the laws and their enforcers will become a joke.
I hope the latter, I fear the former, and I know full well it's going to get a lot worse before it gets better.
With any luck the combined force of a catalogue of whitewashes, the war, Blunkett's blunderings, constant taxation and all the broken 1997 promises (which Labour continue to blame on Thatcher
), either they'll be replaced by the Tories or they'll have their majority cut so severely they won't be able to pass any more daft laws.
I hope the latter, I fear the former, and I know full well it's going to get a lot worse before it gets better.
With any luck the combined force of a catalogue of whitewashes, the war, Blunkett's blunderings, constant taxation and all the broken 1997 promises (which Labour continue to blame on Thatcher
), either they'll be replaced by the Tories or they'll have their majority cut so severely they won't be able to pass any more daft laws.turbobloke said:
You'ld be amazed at how even the darkest, lined curtains fail to stop the glare from one of these searchlights. Believe me, excess light REALLY is a problem.
Agreed and sympathies, I've lived opposite somebody whose supernova security lighting was badly directed - straight into my home! I did the thick curtain thing and it was OK.
We had this with the pub car park at the back of our house, the flood lights used to shine directly into my brothers bedroom...all night. After countless requests and discussions with the council over this we found that they provided good target practice for an air rifle. They took the hint after repairing them about four times
With so many new laws cascading through the House of Commons, it means that far more of us are likely to become "criminals", in other words, inadvertantly commit a "criminal" offence. Once you have been convicted of a criminal offence, you will be logged into their all knowing, all remembering computer records of "convicted criminals". I also know that, in certain circumstance, the word "petty" is no longer applicable. Under "The Proceeds of Crime Act", defrauding the Inland Revenue of as little as £2 must now be reported , not to the Inland Revenue, but the National Criminal Intelligence Service. Shortly, the NCIS is being absorbed intop the Serious Crime Authority (Britains new "FBI") so, by definition, a two pound subterfuge is now a "Serious Crime". Is this all getting just a little too much?
With the expansion of police powers and the introduction of ID cards - how many of us will be able to say "I'm all right - I have nothing to hide".
>> Edited by Eric Mc on Sunday 12th December 10:54
With the expansion of police powers and the introduction of ID cards - how many of us will be able to say "I'm all right - I have nothing to hide".
>> Edited by Eric Mc on Sunday 12th December 10:54
That loud banging sound is the sound of Clarkson smacking the nail on the head with a 12oz claw-hammer!
NZ is becoming this way too... so many hastily drawn-up laws that make it illegal to do anything from tune your car stero to farting at the wrong angle!
Wanna see what a mess NZ has become? Look in the NZ forums and see what headaches Venom has had getting his Viper declared legal in NZ
NZ is becoming this way too... so many hastily drawn-up laws that make it illegal to do anything from tune your car stero to farting at the wrong angle!
Wanna see what a mess NZ has become? Look in the NZ forums and see what headaches Venom has had getting his Viper declared legal in NZ
Eric Mc said:
With so many new laws cascading through the House of Commons, it means that far more of us are likely to become "criminals", in other words, inadvertantly commit a "criminal" offence. Once you have been convicted of a criminal offence, you will be logged into their all knowing, all remembering computer records of "convicted criminals". I also know that, in certain circumstance, the word "petty" is no longer applicable. Under "The Proceeds of Crime Act", defrauding the Inland Revenue of as little as £2 must now be reported , not to the Inland Revenue, but the National Criminal Intelligence Service. Shortly, the NCIS is being absorbed intop the Serious Crime Authority (Britains new "FBI") so, by definition, a two pound subterfuge is now a "Serious Crime". Is this all getting just a little too much?
With the expansion of police powers and the introduction of ID cards - how many of us will be able to say "I'm all right - I have nothing to hide".
>> Edited by Eric Mc on Sunday 12th December 10:54
The fragmentation of the Police is worrying too - you've got these 'Community Support Officers' who wander around bothering everyone over petty little laws, then the regular police, who are misused as it is, about to deal with a tonne more paperwork, and now the SOCA, and lord knows what kind of powers they'll have.
So which bits of the Police will know what? It worries me that the Community ones will gather the dirt on you so others can dish it. How easy will it become for the government to undermine someone who doesn't agree with them by starting at the bottom and clobbering them at the top?
Worrying isn't it? They say the argument for ID cards is that you'll have nothing to hide. How will you know? This is blackmail of the majority!
Eric Mc said:
With so many new laws cascading through the House of Commons, it means that far more of us are likely to become "criminals", in other words, inadvertantly commit a "criminal" offence. Once you have been convicted of a criminal offence, you will be logged into their all knowing, all remembering computer records of "convicted criminals". I also know that, in certain circumstance, the word "petty" is no longer applicable. Under "The Proceeds of Crime Act", defrauding the Inland Revenue of as little as £2 must now be reported , not to the Inland Revenue, but the National Criminal Intelligence Service. Shortly, the NCIS is being absorbed intop the Serious Crime Authority (Britains new "FBI") so, by definition, a two pound subterfuge is now a "Serious Crime". Is this all getting just a little too much?
With the expansion of police powers and the introduction of ID cards - how many of us will be able to say "I'm all right - I have nothing to hide".
>> Edited by Eric Mc on Sunday 12th December 10:54
What's also interesting is the increase in requirements for a Criminal Records Disclosure statement for a wider variety of jobs that have any contact with children or vulnerable adults. With over 2 million of these checks done a year now, how many employers are making allowneces for criminal offences because they need the staff, and how many 'good decent people' are not applying for jobs for fear of the shame of being exposed as 'criminals' for 'minor' offences. Labour is trying to turn the country into a state of non-thinking zombies/drones living life on a conveyer belt.
turbobloke said:
You'ld be amazed at how even the darkest, lined curtains fail to stop the glare from one of these searchlights. Believe me, excess light REALLY is a problem.
Agreed and sympathies, I've lived opposite somebody whose supernova security lighting was badly directed - straight into my home! I did the thick curtain thing and it was OK.
So go and adjust it for them. Wait until they're our and go and twiddle the sensor controls (many PIR lights have a sensitivty adjustment), and bend the lamp downwards. Worst case get your catapult out. Yes, this kind of lighting is annoying, but I don't think there should be laws against this kind of thing.
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