CLARKSON QUOTES
Discussion
CLARKSON QUOTES
"I'm sorry, but having a DB9 on the drive and not driving
it is a bit like having Keira Knightley in your bed and sleeping on the
couch. If you've got even half a scrotum it's not going to happen."
"We start tonight with the highlight of my childhood. It's
the Ladybird Book of Motorcars from 1963, and as you would imagine it's
full of rubbish really. Just endless boring grey shapes, until you get
to page 40, where you find the Maserati 3500 GT. Now this for me, when I
was little, was like kind of Jordan and Cameron Diaz. In a bath
together. With a Lightning jet fighter. And lots of jelly."
"[about Porsche Cayman S] There are many things I'd rather
be doing than driving it, including waiting for Bernard Manning to come
off stage in a sweaty nightclub, and then licking his back clean"
....."the last time someone was as wrong as you, was when a
politician stepped off an aeroplane in 1939 waving a piece of paper in
the air saying there will be no war with Germany"
"America: 250 million w
rs living in a country with no
word for wr"
On the Alfa Romeo Brera...
"I only have to imagine this in black, with tan leather and
I'm nursing a semi!"
Illustrating the lack of power of a Boxster - 'It couldn't
pull a greased stick out of a pig's bottom'
On the Vauxhall Vectra VXR:
"there is a word to describe this car: it begins with "s"
and ends with "t" and its not "soot".
Hammond:"So its fairly terrible then?"
Clarkson:"Oh no...losing your leg is fairly terrible: this
is another league of badness!"
"some say, that he used to throw microwave ovens at
homeless people - and that he long before anyone else realised that jade
goody is a racist pig faced waste of blood and organs............all we
know, is that he's called the Stig!"
"the Suzuki Wagon R should be avoided like unprotected sex
with an Ethiopian transvestite"
"Speed has never killed anyone, suddenly becoming
stationary... That's what gets you."
'The air conditioning in Lambos used to be an asthmatic
sitting in the dashboard blowing at you through a straw'
"Koenigsegg are saying that the CCX is more comfortable.
More comfortable than what... BEING STABBED?"
"The only person to ever look good in the back of a
4-seater convertable was Adolf Hitler"
(Fed up during the caravaning trip)
"You aren't allowed to have a party, you aren't allowed to
have music, you aren't allowed to play ball games, you aren't allowed to
have a camp fire, you have to park within two feet of a post, you have
to keep quiet, you have to be in bed by eleven. This is not a holiday,
it's a concentration camp!"
"This is the Renault Espace, probably the best of the
people carriers. Not that that's much to shout about. That's like saying
"Ooh good I've got syphilis, the BEST of the sexually transmitted
diseases.""
(mercedes CLs55) "Braking in this car is so brutal, it
would be less painful to actually hit the tree you were trying to miss."
"I don't understand bus lanes. Why do poor people have to
get to places quicker than I do?"
Clarksons highway code on cyclists: 'trespassers in the
motorcars domain, they do not pay road tax and therefore have no right
to be on the road, some of them even believe they are going fast enough
to not be an obstruction. Run them down to prove them wrong'
"I was reading The Mirror the other day and came across a
letter from a reader who wrote, 'I was riding my bike to work when this
red Ferrari pulled up next to me. Out of the window, Jeremy Clarkson
shouted 'Get a car', and drove off.' What I actually said was, 'Get a
car you hatchet faced, leaf-eating Nazi"
"Britian's nuclear submarines have been deemed
unsafe...probably because they don't have wheel-chair access"
1) "If we are being honest HIV is a pathetic virus, it can
only live in the air for 6seconds and it does what ebola does to you in
10days in 10years"
2) "Mandela just doesn't deserve his pedestal, I'm mean the
blokes a bit dodgy"
3) On Mandela's claim that Cuba is a good advert for
democracy!!! "Well Mr Mandela why don't you go and ask one of the 12
year old cuban prostitutes which way her parents voted"
"Now we get quite a lot of complaints that we don't feature
enough affordable cars on the show......so we'll kick off tonight with
the cheapest Ferrari of them all!"
On the Lotus Elise:
"This car is more fun than the entire french air force
crashing into a firework factory"
"Now as you can see I lost the battle to have two engines
on the back because of three very important reasons. One: weight. This
is 600 Lbs and that's the same as having a whole American sitting on the
tailgate..."
"I would still buy the DB9 over this, and save myself the
£60,000. The problem with this car is its gearbox, its just........"
Hammond:"THAT bad is it?"
Clarkson:"Oh no. Robert Mugabe is bad, this is in a whole
different league!"
In the olden days I always got the impression that TVR
built a car, put it on sale, and then found out how it handled. Usually
when one of their customers wrote to the factory complaining about how
dead he was.
"the DB9 has rear seats but no mammal yet created, not even
when God was on the LSD trip that gave us the pink flamingo, could fit
into them."
Assessing Hammond's crash:
Clarkson:"you can see from the tape that the tyre is
starting to come apart. now why didnt you spot that?!"
Hammond:"I had a lot on: i was doing 288 mph."
Clarkson: "What do you mean you had a lot on? I can be in
the office on the phone, doining the paperwork, kids are shouting at me,
wife etc, if a lion walks in, I'm going to notice it!"
"Sure it's quiet, for a diesel. But that's like being
well-behaved... for a murderer."
"I dont often agree with the RSPCA as i believe it is an
animals duty to be on my plate at supper time"
"there are footballers wives that would be happy with this
quality of stitching... on their face"
"Racing cars which have been converted for road use never
really work. It's like making a hard core adult film, and then editing
it so that it can be shown in British hotels. You'd just end up with a
sort of half hour close up of some bloke's sweaty face. "
"Much more of a hoot to drive than you might imagine. Think
of it, if you like, as a librarian with a G-string under the tweed. I
do, and it helps."
"you cant have this car with a diesel, its like saying, i
wont go to stringfellows tonight, ill get my mum to give me a lapdance,
shes a woman!"
"During the break we got complaints that we don't show
enough green cars so here's one..."
Pointing to a Lamborghini Murcielago... in bright green
Tonight, the new Viper, which is the American equivalent of
a sports car... in the same way, I guess, that George Bush is the
equivalent of a President.
"Honestly, I have seen more attractive gangrenous wounds
than this. It has the sex appeal of a camel with gingivitis."
Jeremy said this of the Porsche Cayenne!
"I'm sorry, but having a DB9 on the drive and not driving
it is a bit like having Keira Knightley in your bed and sleeping on the
couch. If you've got even half a scrotum it's not going to happen."
"We start tonight with the highlight of my childhood. It's
the Ladybird Book of Motorcars from 1963, and as you would imagine it's
full of rubbish really. Just endless boring grey shapes, until you get
to page 40, where you find the Maserati 3500 GT. Now this for me, when I
was little, was like kind of Jordan and Cameron Diaz. In a bath
together. With a Lightning jet fighter. And lots of jelly."
"[about Porsche Cayman S] There are many things I'd rather
be doing than driving it, including waiting for Bernard Manning to come
off stage in a sweaty nightclub, and then licking his back clean"
....."the last time someone was as wrong as you, was when a
politician stepped off an aeroplane in 1939 waving a piece of paper in
the air saying there will be no war with Germany"
"America: 250 million w
rs living in a country with noword for w
r"On the Alfa Romeo Brera...
"I only have to imagine this in black, with tan leather and
I'm nursing a semi!"
Illustrating the lack of power of a Boxster - 'It couldn't
pull a greased stick out of a pig's bottom'
On the Vauxhall Vectra VXR:
"there is a word to describe this car: it begins with "s"
and ends with "t" and its not "soot".
Hammond:"So its fairly terrible then?"
Clarkson:"Oh no...losing your leg is fairly terrible: this
is another league of badness!"
"some say, that he used to throw microwave ovens at
homeless people - and that he long before anyone else realised that jade
goody is a racist pig faced waste of blood and organs............all we
know, is that he's called the Stig!"
"the Suzuki Wagon R should be avoided like unprotected sex
with an Ethiopian transvestite"
"Speed has never killed anyone, suddenly becoming
stationary... That's what gets you."
'The air conditioning in Lambos used to be an asthmatic
sitting in the dashboard blowing at you through a straw'
"Koenigsegg are saying that the CCX is more comfortable.
More comfortable than what... BEING STABBED?"
"The only person to ever look good in the back of a
4-seater convertable was Adolf Hitler"
(Fed up during the caravaning trip)
"You aren't allowed to have a party, you aren't allowed to
have music, you aren't allowed to play ball games, you aren't allowed to
have a camp fire, you have to park within two feet of a post, you have
to keep quiet, you have to be in bed by eleven. This is not a holiday,
it's a concentration camp!"
"This is the Renault Espace, probably the best of the
people carriers. Not that that's much to shout about. That's like saying
"Ooh good I've got syphilis, the BEST of the sexually transmitted
diseases.""
(mercedes CLs55) "Braking in this car is so brutal, it
would be less painful to actually hit the tree you were trying to miss."
"I don't understand bus lanes. Why do poor people have to
get to places quicker than I do?"
Clarksons highway code on cyclists: 'trespassers in the
motorcars domain, they do not pay road tax and therefore have no right
to be on the road, some of them even believe they are going fast enough
to not be an obstruction. Run them down to prove them wrong'
"I was reading The Mirror the other day and came across a
letter from a reader who wrote, 'I was riding my bike to work when this
red Ferrari pulled up next to me. Out of the window, Jeremy Clarkson
shouted 'Get a car', and drove off.' What I actually said was, 'Get a
car you hatchet faced, leaf-eating Nazi"
"Britian's nuclear submarines have been deemed
unsafe...probably because they don't have wheel-chair access"
1) "If we are being honest HIV is a pathetic virus, it can
only live in the air for 6seconds and it does what ebola does to you in
10days in 10years"
2) "Mandela just doesn't deserve his pedestal, I'm mean the
blokes a bit dodgy"
3) On Mandela's claim that Cuba is a good advert for
democracy!!! "Well Mr Mandela why don't you go and ask one of the 12
year old cuban prostitutes which way her parents voted"
"Now we get quite a lot of complaints that we don't feature
enough affordable cars on the show......so we'll kick off tonight with
the cheapest Ferrari of them all!"
On the Lotus Elise:
"This car is more fun than the entire french air force
crashing into a firework factory"
"Now as you can see I lost the battle to have two engines
on the back because of three very important reasons. One: weight. This
is 600 Lbs and that's the same as having a whole American sitting on the
tailgate..."
"I would still buy the DB9 over this, and save myself the
£60,000. The problem with this car is its gearbox, its just........"
Hammond:"THAT bad is it?"
Clarkson:"Oh no. Robert Mugabe is bad, this is in a whole
different league!"
In the olden days I always got the impression that TVR
built a car, put it on sale, and then found out how it handled. Usually
when one of their customers wrote to the factory complaining about how
dead he was.
"the DB9 has rear seats but no mammal yet created, not even
when God was on the LSD trip that gave us the pink flamingo, could fit
into them."
Assessing Hammond's crash:
Clarkson:"you can see from the tape that the tyre is
starting to come apart. now why didnt you spot that?!"
Hammond:"I had a lot on: i was doing 288 mph."
Clarkson: "What do you mean you had a lot on? I can be in
the office on the phone, doining the paperwork, kids are shouting at me,
wife etc, if a lion walks in, I'm going to notice it!"
"Sure it's quiet, for a diesel. But that's like being
well-behaved... for a murderer."
"I dont often agree with the RSPCA as i believe it is an
animals duty to be on my plate at supper time"
"there are footballers wives that would be happy with this
quality of stitching... on their face"
"Racing cars which have been converted for road use never
really work. It's like making a hard core adult film, and then editing
it so that it can be shown in British hotels. You'd just end up with a
sort of half hour close up of some bloke's sweaty face. "
"Much more of a hoot to drive than you might imagine. Think
of it, if you like, as a librarian with a G-string under the tweed. I
do, and it helps."
"you cant have this car with a diesel, its like saying, i
wont go to stringfellows tonight, ill get my mum to give me a lapdance,
shes a woman!"
"During the break we got complaints that we don't show
enough green cars so here's one..."
Pointing to a Lamborghini Murcielago... in bright green
Tonight, the new Viper, which is the American equivalent of
a sports car... in the same way, I guess, that George Bush is the
equivalent of a President.
"Honestly, I have seen more attractive gangrenous wounds
than this. It has the sex appeal of a camel with gingivitis."
Jeremy said this of the Porsche Cayenne!
Good old Jeremy Clarkson.....only a Yorkshireman could get away with such astoundingly unPC arrogance....and I should know,I am one..isn't life grand when you are always right.
As we chaps from Yorkshire are fond of saying............
I LIKE WHAT I SAY AND I SAY WHAT I LIKE ...........
Long live Clarkson,a breath of marlboro in a far too sanitised world........the one thing I can't get my head around is this...THE CORVETTE WAS MADE FOR CLARKSON !!
As we chaps from Yorkshire are fond of saying............
I LIKE WHAT I SAY AND I SAY WHAT I LIKE ...........
Long live Clarkson,a breath of marlboro in a far too sanitised world........the one thing I can't get my head around is this...THE CORVETTE WAS MADE FOR CLARKSON !!
v8yea said:
Good old Jeremy Clarkson.....only a Yorkshireman could get away with such astoundingly unPC arrogance....and I should know,I am one..isn't life grand when you are always right.
As we chaps from Yorkshire are fond of saying............
I LIKE WHAT I SAY AND I SAY WHAT I LIKE ...........
Long live Clarkson,a breath of marlboro in a far too sanitised world........the one thing I can't get my head around is this...THE CORVETTE WAS MADE FOR CLARKSON !!
Like Harry Enfield:As we chaps from Yorkshire are fond of saying............
I LIKE WHAT I SAY AND I SAY WHAT I LIKE ...........
Long live Clarkson,a breath of marlboro in a far too sanitised world........the one thing I can't get my head around is this...THE CORVETTE WAS MADE FOR CLARKSON !!
"I've got two words for this - Shite!"
"What's the other word?"
"Shite!"
'cuse me but you will have to tell me if you are being ironic or derogatary as my Northern attitude precludes me from accepting anything I have said could be viewed as "shite" and anyway a Welshman isn't qualified to judge a Son of Gods Own County.(different country donchaknow)
Until I have clarification I will not know wether to be offended or not.
Until I have clarification I will not know wether to be offended or not.
v8yea said:
'cuse me but you will have to tell me if you are being ironic or derogatary as my Northern attitude precludes me from accepting anything I have said could be viewed as "shite" and anyway a Welshman isn't qualified to judge a Son of Gods Own County.(different country donchaknow)
Until I have clarification I will not know wether to be offended or not.
This is actually a quote from a Harry Enfield "blunt Yorkshireman" sketch and nothing to do with your post. I was actually raised in Lancashire but have learnt Yorkshirese through watching Heartbeat. Until I have clarification I will not know wether to be offended or not.
Thanks I am suitably not offended !!!! To be honest I wouldn't have been anyway as I emigrated to deepest Norfolk 14 years ago ! I suppose I was just demonstrating my ignorance in all things Southern (Harry Enfield,south of Sheffield etc) Did see Kevin and Perry go large once tho ( didn't understand it ha ha)
Anywho,seeing as Clarkson is from Doncaster,why hasn't he got a Doncaster accent tha knows ?
Anywho,seeing as Clarkson is from Doncaster,why hasn't he got a Doncaster accent tha knows ?
Godzilla said:
I thought you were supposed to be busy working Eric? 
Are you going to the Fairmile for the car club BBQ next Friday? We need to show a brace of Lingenfelters (and scare some people with your non-exhaust!).
err, I guess so, I've been so busy lately I've lost track of everything. Isn't the bbq this Saturday? Or have I completely lost the plot? oh I remember now, it's Surrey Muscle on Saturday... I hope Are you going to the Fairmile for the car club BBQ next Friday? We need to show a brace of Lingenfelters (and scare some people with your non-exhaust!).
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