RE: Stats Kill
Wednesday 14th August 2002
Stats Kill
More spin, more nonsense, more people suffer
Discussion
From our Motoring And Driving correspondent:
WINDSCREENS NEW DANGER IN DRIVER SAFETY SHOCK
Following recent findings that alcohol and mobile phones reduce driver reaction times, Muppet Labs today revealed startling news concerning car windscreens.
Latest research shows that drivers who stare through windscreens for more than a few moments can suffer motion sickness, dryness of the eyeball and even agoraphobia.. Chief Inspector Lester Square, Dip Ed (failed), said 'We've found that 99% of all accidents happen when drivers have been looking through windscreens. If we can make this dangerous habit socially unacceptable then road deaths will be cut to just 35 a year'.
Already the DETR is considering placing roadside warning signs saying 'If you can read this, close your eyes'. The penalty for looking through a windscreen is likely to be harsh, probably 6 points and a £500 fine. North Wales' Chief Constable Richard Brunstrom was reported to be rubbing his hands with glee. 'Fantastic!' he said. 'This gives me the excuse I need to nail those cunning bastards who refuse to break my speed limits and so escape paying fines'. He was led away shaking by psychiatrists but was heard to mutter 'Destroy... Exterminate...'
Eager to cash in on media scaremongering, leading car manufacturers have already pledged to fit opaque 'safety' windscreens on all models to comply with expected new EU regulations from 2003. An AA spokesman commented 'It seems OK to us'. The Association of British Drivers continued to buck the demands of political fashion by saying 'It's bonkers - any fool can see that drivers will crash more because they can't see where they're going'.
Since it's common knowledge that every road death costs £1M, the new measures will also give the economy an extra £3.4 billion every year. Chancellor Gordon Browne was delighted with his new windfall. 'Now I can afford some more fig trees and one of those nice flat screen monitors for my desk', he commented.
PC Brian Ladd, veteran Essex Police Road Safety Manager and slow driving expert, shot to fame last year when he saved hundreds of bridges from destruction by placing Gatsos behind them. He was enthusiastic about the new windscreen legislation, saying 'When every car is fitted with the new opaque windscreens, there will be no more accidents, we won't need any police and I can retire and breed rabbits in the country. Is my pension ready yet?'
WINDSCREENS NEW DANGER IN DRIVER SAFETY SHOCK
Following recent findings that alcohol and mobile phones reduce driver reaction times, Muppet Labs today revealed startling news concerning car windscreens.
Latest research shows that drivers who stare through windscreens for more than a few moments can suffer motion sickness, dryness of the eyeball and even agoraphobia.. Chief Inspector Lester Square, Dip Ed (failed), said 'We've found that 99% of all accidents happen when drivers have been looking through windscreens. If we can make this dangerous habit socially unacceptable then road deaths will be cut to just 35 a year'.
Already the DETR is considering placing roadside warning signs saying 'If you can read this, close your eyes'. The penalty for looking through a windscreen is likely to be harsh, probably 6 points and a £500 fine. North Wales' Chief Constable Richard Brunstrom was reported to be rubbing his hands with glee. 'Fantastic!' he said. 'This gives me the excuse I need to nail those cunning bastards who refuse to break my speed limits and so escape paying fines'. He was led away shaking by psychiatrists but was heard to mutter 'Destroy... Exterminate...'
Eager to cash in on media scaremongering, leading car manufacturers have already pledged to fit opaque 'safety' windscreens on all models to comply with expected new EU regulations from 2003. An AA spokesman commented 'It seems OK to us'. The Association of British Drivers continued to buck the demands of political fashion by saying 'It's bonkers - any fool can see that drivers will crash more because they can't see where they're going'.
Since it's common knowledge that every road death costs £1M, the new measures will also give the economy an extra £3.4 billion every year. Chancellor Gordon Browne was delighted with his new windfall. 'Now I can afford some more fig trees and one of those nice flat screen monitors for my desk', he commented.
PC Brian Ladd, veteran Essex Police Road Safety Manager and slow driving expert, shot to fame last year when he saved hundreds of bridges from destruction by placing Gatsos behind them. He was enthusiastic about the new windscreen legislation, saying 'When every car is fitted with the new opaque windscreens, there will be no more accidents, we won't need any police and I can retire and breed rabbits in the country. Is my pension ready yet?'
Thanks guys, glad you liked it. The BBC could indeed make a nice satire, but unfortunately they represent the Establishment, ae run by NuLab cronies and always toe the Establishment line. Even local TV news begins items with: 'We all know that speed really is a killer...'
I can only suggest you join the ABD, or emigrate!
I can only suggest you join the ABD, or emigrate!
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