RE: Stats Kill

Wednesday 14th August 2002

Stats Kill

More spin, more nonsense, more people suffer


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Discussion

simpo one

Original Poster:

87,030 posts

272 months

Thursday 22nd August 2002
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From our Motoring And Driving correspondent:

WINDSCREENS NEW DANGER IN DRIVER SAFETY SHOCK

Following recent findings that alcohol and mobile phones reduce driver reaction times, Muppet Labs today revealed startling news concerning car windscreens.

Latest research shows that drivers who stare through windscreens for more than a few moments can suffer motion sickness, dryness of the eyeball and even agoraphobia.. Chief Inspector Lester Square, Dip Ed (failed), said 'We've found that 99% of all accidents happen when drivers have been looking through windscreens. If we can make this dangerous habit socially unacceptable then road deaths will be cut to just 35 a year'.

Already the DETR is considering placing roadside warning signs saying 'If you can read this, close your eyes'. The penalty for looking through a windscreen is likely to be harsh, probably 6 points and a £500 fine. North Wales' Chief Constable Richard Brunstrom was reported to be rubbing his hands with glee. 'Fantastic!' he said. 'This gives me the excuse I need to nail those cunning bastards who refuse to break my speed limits and so escape paying fines'. He was led away shaking by psychiatrists but was heard to mutter 'Destroy... Exterminate...'

Eager to cash in on media scaremongering, leading car manufacturers have already pledged to fit opaque 'safety' windscreens on all models to comply with expected new EU regulations from 2003. An AA spokesman commented 'It seems OK to us'. The Association of British Drivers continued to buck the demands of political fashion by saying 'It's bonkers - any fool can see that drivers will crash more because they can't see where they're going'.

Since it's common knowledge that every road death costs £1M, the new measures will also give the economy an extra £3.4 billion every year. Chancellor Gordon Browne was delighted with his new windfall. 'Now I can afford some more fig trees and one of those nice flat screen monitors for my desk', he commented.

PC Brian Ladd, veteran Essex Police Road Safety Manager and slow driving expert, shot to fame last year when he saved hundreds of bridges from destruction by placing Gatsos behind them. He was enthusiastic about the new windscreen legislation, saying 'When every car is fitted with the new opaque windscreens, there will be no more accidents, we won't need any police and I can retire and breed rabbits in the country. Is my pension ready yet?'

madcop

6,649 posts

270 months

Thursday 22nd August 2002
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LOL

CarZee

13,382 posts

274 months

Thursday 22nd August 2002
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Quality

mondeoman

11,430 posts

273 months

Thursday 22nd August 2002
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'kin gr8!!
made me

Send it to the BBC - they'll make a story out of it!

hertsbiker

6,371 posts

278 months

Friday 23rd August 2002
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quote:

Quality



Excellent !

philshort

8,293 posts

284 months

Friday 23rd August 2002
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Pure Genius!

simpo one

Original Poster:

87,030 posts

272 months

Friday 23rd August 2002
quotequote all
Thanks guys, glad you liked it. The BBC could indeed make a nice satire, but unfortunately they represent the Establishment, ae run by NuLab cronies and always toe the Establishment line. Even local TV news begins items with: 'We all know that speed really is a killer...'

I can only suggest you join the ABD, or emigrate!