Jaguar XFR, 2011, 67k, £13,995
The concept of a car as ‘bruiser’ is an interesting one as we all instinctively know what it means (essentially something mean-looking and powerful, like a modern prop forward or a comic book Yakuza) but because carmakers aren’t partial to any description that evokes violence, it isn’t one that gets used too often when a car is new. But secondhand - and post speccing - is a different matter; you know what the original buyer was after, usually building on something with a V8 and chest-prodding attitude. The XFR was actually more svelte than some, and could be Q-car-ish on smaller wheels. But in black on 20s with the hawk-stare headlights (and let’s not forget the sound it makes) there is no question about its level of intent. Especially if you light up the tyres on every roundabout. A steal at £14k.
Vauxhall VXR8, 2009, 46k, £18,995
Of course, if any Jaguar is too subtle, you could always buy the Antipodean version. No mainstream car measures up to the VXR8’s absurdist tendencies, from the 6.0-litre V8 under the hood to the ram-raided Halfords styling. Even the slightly crude undertow is all part of the charm: it’s about maximum mindset wallop. Having said that, the understandable Australian obsession with continent-crushing ability means it can easily be driven in a more leisurely manner. But most interactions with the manual ‘box is a call to arms and you’ll need to be quite a chilled-out PHer not to obsessively keep the V8 on the boil. There are prettier, faster and much more complicated cars to come, but perhaps none quite so good at rattling your funny bone. Also a lot of car for a fiver under £19k.
Kia Stinger GT S, 2022, 9k, £34,250
If your response to the VXR8 is ‘okay sure, great - but I’m a grown-up’ then probably you’ll quite like the flagship Stinger. Its status as a seldom-seen connoisseurs' choice hardly needs reiterating in these pages, although if you haven’t had the pleasure yet, it’s the palpable sense of old-school heft that really describes the car’s charm. Don’t be fooled by the size of the 3.3-litre V6’s output either: the GT has plenty of hustle to go with its chunky kerbside presence. Obviously you won’t be dousing the touch paper in quite so much petrol, but with plenty of pliancy and thoughtful control weights, satisfaction is virtually guaranteed. They can be had for much cheaper than £34k, too, but that amount gets you one with just 9k on the clock. Expect it to last longer than you do.
Alpina B5, 2018, 45k, PH Auction
Obviously if raw speed is a concern - and you don’t mind paying for it - big-shouldered options proliferate in the PH classifieds. And in the current crop of auctions: fresh to a new round of gavel banging is this Alpina B5, a gem by any reckoning. You’ll likely recall that it’s the 4.4-litre N63 and not the M5’s S63 doing the pushing, but this is a good thing because it makes the car as smooth as Guinness strained through Fred Astaire’s socks. Also, it has 608hp and will crack 200mph. So if your ideal bruise is the one delivered to a McLaren owner’s ego, then look no further. Also, if you don’t like pearlescent white or the idea of a 5 Series saloon, there’s always the option of this wagon in the classifieds. Either ticks the mega-horsepower all-rounder box and then some.
Mercedes-AMG C63 Final Edition, 2022, 2k, £82,995
If rear doors are less of a concern and you’re hoping to attract admiring glances (chiefly from other PHers), our go-to bruiser would probably still be the previous generation C63. Partly because the memory of it turning up (in black, all V8 snarl and knuckle-dragging wheels) at PH’s old underground car park lived long in the memory - and partly because this example is not only a Final Edition, but also gets the Brabus PowerXtra upgrade that ushers peak power beyond 600hp. Perhaps the C63 never lived up to some of its rivals in terms of handling finesse, but when it came to winning friends and influencing people, a Graphite Grey AMG with a Brabus blow-off valve is going to take you places few others can reach. Certainly not its half-mast replacement.
Aston Martin DBX707, 2024, 6k, £199,950
Finally, if money is absolutely no concern and it simply must be an SUV, we’re going to suggest skipping the usual suspects (while tipping a hat at all the affordable, peril-chancing Range Rover Sport SVRs you could buy) and point you towards the DBX 707. With the possible exception of the new Defender OCTA - which is bonkers for different reasons - Aston’s flagship is both the best performance SUV to drive and the most assertive in the looks department. Sure, its maker might have overdone it with the stick-on sills and spoilers, but that’s all part of the powered-up fun. In a straight line, it pulls up trees; around corners, it beggars belief - what more do you want? Only the Vanquish is better at being a cutting-edge Aston, and you’ll need £150k more in the bank for one of those.
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